The old adage of "what kills you makes you stronger" is about to kill me. It isn't making me stronger, it's making me weaker, depressed, and just at a loss.
I do have blessings. I just received a shut-off notice for my water from the city for $80.80 and had $126 in my account for the rest of the month. So, that's a blessing that I had it there to pay; however, it was supposed to go for my son to see the Dr and get his meds changed - I don't have a copay so that's $110. Thankfully he isn't ill and can wait so I guess that's a blessing also.
The things people don't see behind closed doors.
My estranged husband took a job across the country that pays him 1/3 of what he was making and it isn't enough to support two households. Therefore there is a $2000 deficit in the budget that he says I have to make up. I haven't worked a full-time job since my kids were born 25 yrs ago. I've worked 75% but not full time. He went to college, I didn't, I don't have a degree behind me. Due to this budget deficit, he is no longer sending any amount of money home for support at all. He pays the bills he can. I watch my 3 yr old grandson every day so that his parents can work, I have since he was born. It is a 10 hr day... I'm trying to find work I can do from home, while he is napping or once he has left for the day... I found one thing but am having a difficult time doing it. I thought it would be a solution, I'm still praying for that. His mom and dad supply me with what he needs and fill my gas tank when they can as I pick him up and drop him off 3 days a week, they live in a town 20 min south and work further south - dropping him off adds an extra hour and doesn't make sense to me.
I have a traumatized 22 yr old son who tries but is having a hard time - he's the one who needs new meds. I have a 19 yr old daughter with a LOT of health problems that I take care of also. Oh yeah, I have PTSD, huh, forgot about me for a minute. This isn't a pity me post, this is a reality post of why my life is trying to bury me six feet under.
I feel like the world's worst friend. One of my online besties (how I met her, she and I have met in real life multiple times now) mom died on my daughter's birthday. I don't have money to send flowers to the funeral, let alone drive to Saint George, where they are burying her, to offer my support. What a good friend am I.
I'm worried and my kids are worried that me having a job is going to be too much for me. It will be but I am not being given a choice. My kids are my life and I need to provide for and take care of them. No matter my illness, I will do what needs to be done because that's how I was raised. I don't know if that makes me strong or stupid.
I've started going back to church but now my issue is going to be, am I going to be crashing on Sunday's again and unable to get out of bed? I can't control crashes and I have to be available for my grandson and kids and a job, I guess. Something has to give - I just don't understand why. Why does it have to?
Pray for me.
