Good Reading

All three of these books are Kindle Editions and I figured out how to share them if you have a Kindle or Cloud account!  So let me know! :)

Long Time Coming by Edie Claire

I downloaded this one for free and than let sit there.  Interesting how we do that isn't it?  The story takes place when a daughter returns home to help ailing parents.  Home to where she must face her fears, her slight PTSD, and the truth.  Reconnecting with old friends, ghosts (literally) from her past, and even a crotchedy old man, all help her to overcome, accept, and move on to fulfill the life that she should have always had.

That is a really small, short synopsis of a really well written book.  It doesn't delve deeply into the anxiety, depression, or PTSD but it touches on them, some symptoms, so that if you live it day in and out, you will recognize and associate with it.  It moves you through the process of dealing with memories, nightmares, and how the main character deals with these problems, even through the living of day to day life.  It has romance, a little suspense, a little bit of supernatural, and a great ending.

Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington

This looked like a romance novel to me so I downloaded it and was VERY pleasantly surprised!  In fact, I have decided I will let Olivia read it, anytime she wants.  This is the story of a beautiful girl, marked at the age of 5.  This mark or scar has driven her entire life.  Her parents divorced over it, she hides it from everyone and therefore, hides herself.  The book is set in her Junior yr in High School where she learns what the mark is, that there are others like her, that it isn't something to be ashamed of, that it isn't "bad" to want to look or allow yourself to be beautiful.

There is some great humor in this book, plus I was right, a little love story.  Yet it is a teenage, real teenage, love story between two that have been friends for 12 yrs.  It is a story of acceptance of others and of yourself.  It tells of how to be different, yet acknowledge that it is a good thing, and that you shouldn't allow anyone to bully you.

A Different Blue  by Amy Harmon

I grew up with Amy's big sister and know Amy from doing a weeks teaching course in her 8th grade Advanced English class when I was a Senior in High School.  Amy is BEYOND talented in so many ways and I am very fortunate to be able to not just know her but to reap the benefit of her talents.  As I've mentioned, there is nothing more fun than touting someone's name far and wide, especially when they are a good, normal person and deserve it.  I've heard about this book for months, I've OWNED this book on my kindle for MONTHS and finally decided it was time to read it.  Can you say, "Shoulda had a V-8" thunk moment?  I absolutely loved Blue.

Blue is a wonderful in-depth character who is the product of her life.  She believes her life is fated from the childhood she received and that she is unworthy of love because of it.  Due to a mentor/ teacher who takes the time to understand, listen, and assist; she begins to realize who she really is and what she can accomplish with her life.  She finds God and his atonement, she takes responsibility for her mistakes and consequences and discovers that her life really wasn't what the "child" in her envisioned it to be.  It was however, a beautiful gift, that allows her to be a different Blue.

Sorting through muddled thoughts

The previous video embed by group Within Temptation, Stand My Ground; pretty much embraces how I feel these days.  "Stand my ground I won't give in, I won't give up"... with so much unknown about PTSD by the public mainly (we won't discuss by the doctors) it is up to each of us to stand our ground and fight for ourselves.  No one else will, no one else really can.  People that love you try to be there for you but as I realized this week, they can be TOO close to the situation.  Makes sense right?  When you are faced with being there day after day, seeing the shifts, not understanding all the triggers, you become like who you are watching; confused, unsure, and let's face it:  lost.

I haven't been able to see my reflexologist in a couple of months and I know I have major blocks that are making me experience my emotions - more.  Definition of more:  a greater or additional amount or degree.  I learned 5 years ago that when my body life force is unblocked and flowing as it should, I have the strength to handle things a little bit better.  I have noticed - quite by accident - that when some area blocks are opened and not the whole body's that it throws me into fits, weird fits.  Like neon lights going off adrenaline fits.  

It has been an interesting week.  I survived the Salt Lake Comic Con - with 3 breaks in area's not as crowded, leaving early, and not going to see the panels we wanted.  But that's okay!  I did it!  I went!  Not just for me but for my kids!  What does that mean?  That means I can't face my 25 yr High School Reunion tonight and tomorrow.  It means I can't face going to my husbands cousin's wedding next week because it involves travel and lots of family!  Family that doesn't understand and I'm not strong enough to withstand judging at this time, same reason of the reunion.  I wrote a note to 3 friends that I would love to have seen, explaining to them why I wouldn't be there.  One my best friend from High School that I don't understand why she doesn't have PTSD she has been through more than I have and yet, there I go, I'm judging and we can't.  Remember, everyone's experiences are different, viewed differently by their soul and therein lies why no one wants to talk about their trauma.  Okay, besides the fact that hello it's TRAUMATIC - why put yourself back where you just climbed out of?  Each of us looks at our situation, decides it doesn't deserve the attention of a disorder, feels that we should be stronger than what we see ourselves, and than, yeah, crash, burn, fallout and you get the picture.

I thought, because Tuesday was a good day, that I was getting better.  That it had only taken me really 2 days to get over Comic Con and that my symptoms weren't that bad!  I like to delude myself, can you tell?  Sigh.  I reached out to my PTSD mentor that I met on Facebook, through his page, PTSD Reclaiming Yourself for Good.  I don't think it was necessarily anything he said after I heard, "Okay, I'm here."  Those words didn't fix it but having someone who understood my anger trigger, not what the trigger was but that the trigger existed and was fully unexplainable, it was weight lifting.  I wasn't alone, I wasn't an enigma, strange, or deranged.  People are brought into your life for a reason, and I'm grateful that through his page, I can read and hear about others going through what I am.  I found another great page PTSD and Me - written by a wife and husband.  It's more her page but he comments and its wonderful when he does.  PTSD isn't just about those who have it, but those who love those that have it also.  My daughter is now 13, the age my oldest son was when all this started for me.  I remember him having a difficult time understanding and now, even though this has been going on since she was 6, my daughter is having those difficulties.  It will be interesting.  I'm not sure I want to go through the continual explaining of why I can't take her somewhere, won't watch a movie, why Dad is dropping something off instead of me.  I can push myself and try to be what she wants me to be and when - and than I will crash and put myself back 3 paces from the ground I had gained.  There has to be a middle ground.

Within Temptation - Stand My Ground

Water Revelations

I post a lot of pictures on Facebook of water, here are a few of them.  I love water.  It signifies peace, tranquility, and joy to me.  I spent years going to self help classes, relaxation courses, and all would tell me "go to your happy place".  I love being outdoors; therefore, I figured my "happy place" had green foliage but honestly that was all I could ever conjure up.  I'd never been "relaxed" enough to "find" my happy place, ever.  I have a little embroidery picture a friend made me that says, "I can't relax! Stress is what holds me together!".  How unfortunately TRUE that statement.  During one specific Women's Workshop we had to take a test on just how stressed you were.  The asked show of hand scores.  Came down to just me with my hand up - the teacher had already said "anything over this number is unhealthy".  She quizzically looked at me and when I revealed my score she about fell on the floor and asked how I could be sitting there, let alone looking so calm.  Because I wasn't?  Calm that is, I hardly ever am.  At that point in life, I remember it exactly, I had a 2 yr old potty training, a new infant boy, my husband had just changed jobs, and my dad's cancer had just come back.  There were many more items on the list but these were those that added the "most" stress to life and yep, I had them all.. oh and postpartum depression.  Fun.  My husband was concerned enough at that time to call my mom, once and see if she would go over and sit with me.  That worked well....NOT.  My mom, slightly depressed herself had no idea why she needed to come "watch" me and left after about an hour.  Needless to say, by the time my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder kicked in, I was already overflowing with the stress part. 

I've been seeing my reflexologist for about 5 yrs now.  I am a LONG way from the person I was when I first saw her.  About 2 yrs ago? Time isn't relevant to me anymore, I can't differentiate days once they've past anymore; I believe it was 2 yrs ago, during a Sacrum-Cranial appointment, she got me to where I had NEVER in my recollective life have ever been - relaxed.  So relaxed in fact that SHE fell asleep - ha ha ha - that in itself is a miracle as I usually make her want to throw up or take many breaks (work related- hard to explain but it's not gross!).  I admit, I probably could have fallen asleep but my trust level even with her, still would not give that control up.  It did though, send me to my "happy place" - finally!  I knew what it was, where it was and how wonderful it really is to go there!  Where is it?  In the water.  Starting to understand my pictures now?  In my happy place I am floating on my back in a body of water that is - yes, overhung with green foliage.  There are places through the foliage where the sun can peek through.  It's a magical place to me.

Here's the kicker....water - especially floating - is part of my PTSD.  When I was about 7 I almost drown.  I was hanging onto the side of an apartment complex pool, brothers and sisters in and out of the pool, people all around.  My older sister floated by and I let go of the side of the pool, reaching out to her.  Right as I reached her floaty, she rolled off the opposite way.  With nothing to hold onto, under the water I went.  I'd never been in a swimming pool before - ever, I didn't know what to do.  Interestingly enough, I remember looking up and seeing my brothers at the side of the pool talking, looking at me under the water and I thought, "hello?  anyone help me?".  I don't know how but for some reason I saw my brother dive in and pull me up  and out.  I got in trouble.  "That was dumb of me, why didn't I come back up to the surface? Why didn't I kick my legs?"  Because I was 7 and didn't know?!?!?  I coughed up the water, was given a towel and was sent back to the apartment, no longer welcome at the pool.  Meh, its life or at least it is my life. 

When I was 15 I was a nanny for my sister and her husband offered to teach me to swim.  "I can teach you he boasted" and than after I nearly drown him and myself - again- he decided I was unteachable.  Our friends David & Linda have a community pool and ask me constantly if I am coming swimming - yes they have accomplished what none other since having my daughter - they have gotten me in a swim suit and in the pool.  With the help of a "noodle" I float around twisting my legs but when I raise my legs up to waist level, my trigger kicks in, panic ensues and I about drown myself again.  Sigh - I still have hopes that ONE day I can experience my happy place in real life.  For now, I post pictures, I dream and wish and that will do.   Paix