I've been told to write. It helps me put things in better perspective, it helps me to connect to epiphany's that leave too suddenly once thought and not written down. Even as I write this, thoughts I had that were important to share have been lost to me ... not even 5 minutes. I want to address these words and what they mean to me. Not just to help me overcome my fear of them and being called them but perhaps in order to help others understand what someone else hear, whether it is what was thought or not.
This post will be long enough, I'm not about to write a book about all the things and my reactions to them that caused my PTSD, lets just say there are numerous, they happened throughout my entire life, and my timid spirit was affronted. Outside I let things slide while inside they harbored, they festered, they embedded themselves into my cells. Did I create myself into being a victim? Probably but I still hate that word. The dictionary defines victim as a person harmed, injured, duped or tricked. No one wants to be a victim, so the word by itself brings a powerful undertone to it. I wish I could remember what my therapist said. She put a different meaning to each letter of the word, hoping to help me see it in a different light. I remember the C stood for Courage, the V for Victory. She spun the word to mean that I had overcome through courage the events that had happened to me through my life. Yes, I was a victim but I had overcome and therefore did not need to be tied to the demeaning of the word itself. It is hard to overcome that ... the world does not see it that way and standing up for yourself, is not always seen as courage but as bossy or selfish.
SELFISH. I found out a few weeks ago that the night before my wedding my mother informed my fiance that I was selfish and good luck, that all her children were. When my mom died I didn't want to read her journals. I wanted to remember her love for me, not tarnish her memory with what she really thought of me. Ha, so much for good intentions because she told others how she felt about me and in moments of anger, they get repeated. I've tried to wrap my mind around the definition of selfish and how it applies to me. I've tried not to be self centered, I know I've failed repeatedly at that but I still try. I don't like compliments - they mean the world to me, it is my love language - but I fear accepting them. Could I really be beautiful? Could I be generous or funny or talented? Whenever I hear those things I shine inside, for just a moment, in hope. But then I more often then not don't say thank you, shrug it off, or say I don't believe it. If I believe it I have to be someone of worth right? But how could I be if I'm a bad person? I know bad people aren't all bad but it makes me want believe that I am wholly good and that leads to somehow coming across as arrogant or self centered which is bad, and I spiral again.
Having PTSD, depression, and anxiety I am selfish. I have to be if I am to survive and for my kids and grandbaby, survival is all that matters. Self care is not supposed to be selfish but needful yet it is seen as selfish, needy even. I've been depressed, suicidal since I was 16. Whenever I mentioned it, which was only once or twice, I was scoffed at, ridiculed, with people wondering what I had to be suicidal about. Does depression need a reason? No it doesn't and that is why so many people misunderstand it. If I could wake up each morning telling myself it will be a good day and have it remain such, do you not think I wouldn't do it every morning? 32 yrs of depression tells me that yes, it does have to do with my mind, my subconscious mind, and I have spent many, MANY years trying to fake it until I made it...guess what, I never made it. I would read about depressed people pulling away from their family, etc and I decided not to do that. So yes, I was addicted to a multi player online game so that I could forget my world but I would try at night to play in the same room as my family so that even if I emotionally couldn't be all there, I was there, I was present in some way in their lives. People don't know how or what to do when a person or partner hits that level of mental anguish so they either do nothing or try what they think works for them and are disappointed or hurt when it doesn't work for you. People with mental illness don't want you to fix it because YOU can't. It is our mental illness and with therapy, drugs, and a lot of internal work, only WE, ourselves can fix ourselves. Sometimes we are broken and scattered into more pieces that a short space of time can fix and put back together, other times it happens faster. It depends on the person, their illness, their internal strength and fortitude. Sometimes, you just don't have the mental or emotional strength to deal with it at that moment so you slap some band aids over it, put on a mask and try to appear as you have everything all together.
That brings me to BOSSY. How do you try to appear like your shit is together? By being in control - a control freak. I am a recovering perfectionist, anything and everything I could I had to have control over in my life because I could never control what would happen to me . The saying, YOU control how you react to any given situation. Claps - well done, go you ... go your conscious you because you honestly don't know how you REALLY reacted unconsciously. Things I thought I handled well, got over, no repercussions I learned later on, I had not. So fun to learn about yourself that you aren't as strong as you thought, internally. How do you tell an 18 month old that her parents going off to Hawaii for a long time isn't abandonment? I don't even remember it, but apparently my body and subconscious do. Adult me? That's stupid. Baby me? My mom abandoned me. Yeah, figure that one out because I still haven't. My father taught me to give 110% or get in trouble. Failure was not an option. If I came home with a B- grade I stood before my parents and had to explain myself. I was better than that, I could do better, and I did. Am I mad at being raised that way? No. Am I hurt that others who weren't hate me for being a perfectionist and wanting things to get done timely and in the right way? Yes. At 19 I became an assistant to the CFO and quartermaster of the copy room and supplies. It was a pain in the ass. I was the youngest employee working there and the men accountants used to go in to my boss and tell him how they wished they could throw me over their knee and spank me I was so annoying. Why? Because I didn't let you stockpile office supplies at your desk and kept them under lock and key? Because I didn't fall for your supposed charm to get what you wanted? Yep - I was and am a bitch. When they put me in charge of the front desk and file room I became Super Bitch - I hated that. I want someone to explain to me why people look for strong personalities to handle jobs, etc - it's what they want and need and because they know you'll get it done your responsibilities keep building. But secretly behind your back, they mock you, criticize you and judge you because you are what they want you to be. Ahh - victim again - but a societal one. I helped with a ward activity once, I know the person in charge ended up hating me but put up with me because my daughter was his daughter's friend and he liked my husband. Why? Because I was always checking with him if anything needed to be done, was there anything else I could help with. I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of him, I could actually see it on his face but I couldn't stop myself. My part was done and I wanted to help make sure it was awesome. I thought my part was done, those I had delegated to got back to me 3 days before the event saying they couldn't do it and they hadn't even done anything. I did what I always do, I put my panic into action and got something done. As I was directing it the night of the party, my partner in charge of music opened my eyes to how I was seen in the ward with the words, "Did they not do it right and you had to do it yourself?" She said it jokingly, there are no jokes really - people just not wanting to be caught being an asshole. I looked her in the eye and said, "Actually they quit on me 3 days ago, I didn't have a choice." The look on her face was one of instant regret but she didn't apologize, just walked off because I had turned back around.
It has taken me a lifetime to accept that I am bossy because the term really means, strong and independent. Do I tell people what to do? If I'm in charge and I've found, I don't like being in charge anymore, too much stress, too much pain, and too much judgment. If people want me to stop, they need to not come to me for every little thing and show me they can take care of themselves and me. Some might complain they are never given a chance, there are two sides and views to everything because no one has the same life experiences; therefore, they couldn't possibly see it the same way.
I am selfish because I don't want to share my pain. People try to fix me and that isn't their job. Rarely does anyone just offer comfort or support which really, is all I've ever wanted. I don't need advice, I'm 48 yrs old and have been to more self help classes, more therapy, read more books and I know. I know what works for some people, it doesn't work for all. I'm glad people want to help me but the best you can do is simply be there, hug me, bring me a drink, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. I rarely open up to people, you may know the situation, I'm fine telling that. What I won't share is the darkness that feeds inside me, the constant struggle to find and be who I really am because the darkness spreads. Ask anyone, get away from toxic people, they destroy you, they bleed you and if I shared, I would. The few times I have the only things I have learned is that people will share back and support you as long as they also remain in darkness. Once they've climbed out of their hole, you are simply a reminder and they don't want to be there anymore. The support and help for you is gone because they leave. Everyone leaves. And trust me, if I could, I would to.
Paix.
