Last night my depression slump suddenly "disappeared". So glad! It wasn't anything earth shattering of sudden moments of exquisite joy but rather a thought of something to do. Yes, it is that simple.
With that said, many people would hold to their belief that depression is something you can just "get over", "if you'd get up and do something you wouldn't be depressed", or the ever popular "you obviously just want to be this way, you could change if you wanted to". I've heard all three my whole life. Yes, my WHOLE life since I've had bouts of depression since I think 12. There are a few years of childhood I don't remember, I'm not sure if there is a real reason for that or if it is simply that nothing magnanimous happened during those years so why bother. I also say 12 for that is when I started my menstruation. My hormones have been a veritable mess since. I didn't know any better so I never mentioned any of it until I went to see an OB/GYN before I got married. You see I started at 12 and than it suddenly wasn't there anymore. I honestly didn't think about it - I just went back to the way I was and was happy not to worry or plan. It came back when I was in 8th grade - so when I was 13, almost 14 and it came back with a VENGEANCE. From then on and until I went on the pill at 21 I was constantly irregular, lucky if it showed up each month - made it very frustrating. I was regular -for me, meaning I at least had one every month but no, not when the pills dictated. Than after 3 yrs, my body would totally start to ignore the pills and I was back to having a cycle when it wanted.
Why the lengthy "cycle" chat? To give a little bit of background. Granted men don't have "cycles" but I'm the mother of two teenage boys and you cannot tell me that their hormones don't go whacky just like a females, I believe it has simply never been explored - it always has another name, a "mood", an "episode", or "anger".
Depression is no respecter of people. It doesn't care if you are male or female, in shape or jiggly, tall or short; hair color, eye color, race or nationality - it doesn't care. I read something once that told me that if I was "depressed" that I had obviously "sinned" and needed to repent and ask for forgiveness and than the Lord's blessings would lift the depression from me. For years I searched for "what" I had done to sin against God. I have little flaws, giant flaws, small sins but none that I ever would consider worthy of being "punished" by God until I asked for forgiveness. I definitely can buy that guilt can be a depression catalyst, no doubt about it. However, to lump all depression in with that is wrong. Sometimes depression just is.
I take medication for my depression, for anxiety; I had both before I had PTSD but no where near the level they reached with my PTSD. I always tried what everyone else told me, what my father taught me, I "picked myself up by my bootstraps" and carried on. In other words, I ignored it and it didn't go away. It built, it festered, it grew and one day I woke up and thought I had lost my freaking mind. I couldn't handle ANYTHING, which for a control freak, recovering perfectionist - is like a death sentence. I suddenly had no control over my life, my emotions (they came whether I took medication or not, whether I wanted them to or not), it felt like I literally could not even control my household or my kids. Medication is okay people, for short term. Seeking alternative medicine to help is okay. Acknowledging that there is something wrong with you that you can no longer control, is necessary.
It is my belief that anyone who tells you they've been depressed and they simply "got over it" by positive thinking, etc, they were never truly depressed. Sad maybe, grieving, disappointed even but not depressed. Because depression is chemical. Depression is the result of something in your brain not firing correctly or not being received and it is capitulated by bad self talk, bad self esteem, unworthy and unholy thoughts. Because society has led us to believe that if we are depressed, we are bad. We must deserve it, we must have done something wrong, we must be being punished by God for sin. I'm sorry, the God I believe in loves me and doesn't want me to be in pain. I have felt his arms around me in moments of deepest grief when no one else cared to even try to comfort me. I am not being punished, is this a trial? Most definitely. Will it end? I'm hopeful. See? Today I have hope whereas yesterday I didn't care. I wasn't being lazy, I seriously had no energy, no motivation, no ...nothing, I was depressed. Why? It didn't have a name this round, it simply came and stayed for about a week and I am grateful that for today at least, it packed up and took a vacation. It might be a mini vacation, or it might be an extended - I'm kind of hoping it's extended you see there are things I want to do, want to accomplish, need to finish. Those thoughts and feelings don't leave when you are depressed, the fact that you can't do them, can't really do anything simply makes you feel worse but you still know that "you" are inside.
I have had to learn and I am now 43 - so it has taken 30 years for me to fully accept my depression, anxiety, and PTSD. For me to get upset when people look down on me for not being "happy" all the time. I've realized that it isn't about me, it's about THEM. They need to have happy people around them because they don't have the fortitude to keep themselves happy "all the time" and its easier when others are around. They are the ones that believe it is "bad" to have depression when in fact, I have to wonder if it isn't something they struggle and fight to avoid. You often criticize that in others which you don't like in yourself. Remember that, accept that, and let them continue to fight away from you because you don't need their poison adding to the self hate you already have.
Be happy for the good days - acknowledge them, embrace them, and get all that you can accomplished when they show up. Than be gentle with yourself when the depression hits, because more often than not, there is nothing you can do about it but gather those you love around you and ride it out.
Paix
