Why?

The old adage of "what kills you makes you stronger" is about to kill me.  It isn't making me stronger, it's making me weaker, depressed, and just at a loss.

I do have blessings.  I just received a shut-off notice for my water from the city for $80.80 and had $126 in my account for the rest of the month.  So, that's a blessing that I had it there to pay; however, it was supposed to go for my son to see the Dr and get his meds changed - I don't have a copay so that's $110.  Thankfully he isn't ill and can wait so I guess that's a blessing also.

The things people don't see behind closed doors.
My estranged husband took a job across the country that pays him 1/3 of what he was making and it isn't enough to support two households.  Therefore there is a $2000 deficit in the budget that he says I have to make up.  I haven't worked a full-time job since my kids were born 25 yrs ago.  I've worked 75% but not full time.  He went to college, I didn't, I don't have a degree behind me.  Due to this budget deficit, he is no longer sending any amount of money home for support at all.  He pays the bills he can.  I watch my 3 yr old grandson every day so that his parents can work, I have since he was born.  It is a 10 hr day... I'm trying to find work I can do from home, while he is napping or once he has left for the day... I found one thing but am having a difficult time doing it.  I thought it would be a solution, I'm still praying for that.  His mom and dad supply me with what he needs and fill my gas tank when they can as I pick him up and drop him off 3 days a week, they live in a town 20 min south and work further south - dropping him off adds an extra hour and doesn't make sense to me.

I have a traumatized 22 yr old son who tries but is having a hard time - he's the one who needs new meds.  I have a 19 yr old daughter with a LOT of health problems that I take care of also.  Oh yeah, I have PTSD, huh, forgot about me for a minute.  This isn't a pity me post, this is a reality post of why my life is trying to bury me six feet under. 

I feel like the world's worst friend.  One of my online besties (how I met her, she and I have met in real life multiple times now) mom died on my daughter's birthday.  I don't have money to send flowers to the funeral, let alone drive to Saint George, where they are burying her, to offer my support. What a good friend am I.

I'm worried and my kids are worried that me having a job is going to be too much for me.  It will be but I am not being given a choice.  My kids are my life and I need to provide for and take care of them.  No matter my illness, I will do what needs to be done because that's how I was raised.  I don't know if that makes me strong or stupid. 

I've started going back to church but now my issue is going to be, am I going to be crashing on Sunday's again and unable to get out of bed?  I can't control crashes and I have to be available for my grandson and kids and a job, I guess.  Something has to give - I just don't understand why.  Why does it have to?

Pray for me.

So Many Things

So many things going on right now and moving around.   The only thing you can count on in life is change.
First off because I will forget it... my new saying I'm trying to put me in a better place not a bitter place.
"I choose to believe that he is doing the best he can, whether it is true or not."

I can trust the process of life and I deserve to be loved for me.

Alright, those being done, I'll move on, because that is all what life is about these days.  Moving on, moving forward, and becoming who I want to be and deserve to be.

I have started I don't know how many books - writing them that is - and there they sit.  Ugh.. I wrote another section on my writing blog with the Progression series (PG Fan Fiction rofl) and I'm thinking now that I should probably group my stories for the Mystery Men first.  I have those all written, I simply need to do MAJOR EDITING and then place them together.  I've started the battle scene for the fantasy one but have figured out it is difficult to write battle when I've never really experienced it - my imagination only goes so far.  I think I'll have to reach out to a few military buddies and see if they can share some things with me without triggering them.  I have the forward written on the main project ...  I'll just share the name... "Positive Bullcrap"  rofl.  Even when feeling that way I was having a hard time figuring out how to make it all fit together, so here is to hoping that I can do that within a short amount of time.  I have PTSD author friends who are going to read it for me before I decide whether to share it with the world - so fingers crossed!

My son got my desktop computer up and running - SO THANKFUL!  It is nice to be able to sit here and type and 1.  be able to SEE  2.  actually feel like I'm writing and not worrying about my laptop falling on the floor  and 3.  have my KPOP playing forth from the speakers!!  WOO! 

Now that this system is up and going I need to work a little more on the room I'm in so that the clutter and mess behind me doesn't stress me out and so that my grandbaby can come down here with me on and off during the day and he can play or watch some video's while I type.  I am searching for an online job that I can do remotely, sort of like I've done for the past 22 years.  For 3 years of my 25 working from home, I worked out of my sister's home and it felt like home so I really should count it as such I suppose.

I am rearranging my budget, doing away with things not needed, cleaning spaces and organizing my life again.  It feels good.

I trust the process of life and that I deserve to be loved for being myself, because I am amazing.

Maybe if I keep saying these I'll believe them.  Lol.  I'm kind of excited to get my house to my liking, I have to be patient for money to do so ... ahh, always some delay.

I went to see my reflexologist today and she helped my body do amazing things.  I really hope this feeling lasts longer than just tonight, that would be incredible.  I think I shall pray for that, sounds like something worthy to pray for. ;)

Paix

KTMF 2019

Olivia has been into KPOP for almost 4 yrs now.  It took about 6 months for her to convince me it was worth my time and now, honestly, I would rather listen to it than current American music.  No, I can't understand them but I'm a hard rock and pop girl - just how many misheard lyrics are there out there?  In English?  I still listen to all varieties of music and the Korean Times Music Festival provides that, just in the Korean language.  Lol.  This was our 3rd year going, it was just she and I and we drove.  It was a fun, relaxing Mother/daughter long weekend - I wish it could have lasted longer.

Day 1 - Thursday
We left around 4 pm and got stuck in rush hour in Salt Lake.  I didn't remember it being that bad but it took us 1 hr to get from 33rd to point of the mountain... 1 HOUR - that's ridiculous.  We headed to one of my big brother's homes in Orem and yes, I took the wrong exit... turned around... went down a wrong street (one over too many) so first day of the trip 2 wrong turns..not bad in my book. :)  It was nice to visit with John and Mikey, drop off the books of my dad's that he wanted.  Hearing more about my marital situation and knowing that Liv and I were driving alone, he walked us to the car and told me to pop the hood. :)  I miss that.  The manners my dad taught my brothers and the example he left them of how to care for a woman.  He confirmed I needed more oil, which I had guessed, and sent us on our way.  Yes, I do know how to check my oil and had intended to do so at the next gas stop - it just touched me that he would think to do that for me.  I'm sure at 63 he didn't think he'd be looking after his 49 yr old little sister.
We stopped in Spanish Fork, heading towards old stomping grounds, filled up with gas, oil and diet coke with peach flavoring.  We arrived in St George around 11 pm and had a great night in a new hotel.  We stayed in the Tru Hotel, one of the lines from Hilton.

Day 2 - Friday
Check out was at noon but we were good and were gone by 11 am.  We are sleeping creatures lol. The trip to LA was shorter than I remember, I think that happens when you are the one driving.
We hit a bit of rush hour but the delay was mostly on the opposite side of the freeway, the slow down to random 40 mph every now and then - a BONUS!  Didn't get lost at ALL on Friday.  Google took us up by the graveyard and past the Warner Brothers Movie Lot on our way to our Hilton Garden Hotel 3 blocks from the Hollywood Bowl.  Having her dad fund our trip was a plus, as he is a Diamond member with Hilton and receives perks like free water, discounted parking, and free breakfasts at the restaurant. 
We had dinner at the restaurant that night, deciding to have sit down, real food lol.  The steak was down as requested and delicious, Olivia ate 1/2 her burger, and we finished ALL of the steak fries with bacon and bleu cheese appetizer .... soooooooo good.  The beds were a little harder of mattresses with fluffy flat pillows.  Olivia went to get the extra ones from the closet, opened the bag and proclaimed that someone had farted in the bag and zipped it up. LMAO.  We didn't use them. 

Day 3 - Saturday - FESTIVAL
We slept in and missed free breakfast but had a couple of doughnuts from our goodie bag. We headed to the festival around 3 so we could hit the booths outside. 

This year the regular ones were there but required different things which was nice.  Korean Air and Delta Air have teamed up to fly internationally - super excited about that.  I'm all restocked on my reusable ( nonplastic ) tote bags.  I now have 4 tiny Korean flags lol, I won 10 facial masks, got some vitamin samples and lighted foam sticks to use during the concert.

I heard many fans comment on the line up that they weren't getting tickets because even though Super Junior and Taemin were coming, the tickets weren't worth it.  I admit that I was skeptical at the line up but they all did a great job and it was very enjoyable.

The MC is from a variety show that we watch, he was funny and he was the first act.  All Asian idols are trained as singer/dancer/actor/models so that they can perform anywhere.  He sang & danced, has a good voice!  He was a total fan boy with one of the artists and I'll mention that at that artist.  His name is Kim Yeong-cheol and he came out for the first half in a bright green suit with orange inside the coat and orange socks to match!

I really need a better camera on my phone or just to take a good camera with me period.

Lovelyz, a girl group I'm not familiar with except one song was next.  They remind me of Twice but slower and with less members.  The female MC is a member of this group.  The did a good job, were very cute, had on great outfits.

There were several solo artists:

Ha Sung-woon from the group Winner was there as a solo artist.  You could tell he was nervous but he did amazing - I don't expect anything less from idols, they work too hard.  He was really cute and STORY TIME.

Early that afternoon when Liv and I were lazing around eating our doughnuts, I opened the black out curtains to look out at the street and weather.  While car watching (no one really on the sidewalks) I noticed a guy looking very "touristy".  He had his phone out and up, like he was filming and chatting while doing so.  When the sirens blared (on and off all night - gotta love LA!) he turned to find them with his phone, kept going forward then back.  I mentioned what I thought so Liv came to see and give her opinion.  We both decided he looked like an idol but too young for Super Junior - only one other solo artist but probably not - there was no security, he was all alone, no face mask or hat.  Before we closed the blinds he passed the hotel across the street where two Korean women were just heading out.  They noticed him, gasped (hand over mouth and everything), phones up and followed him.  He had quickly turned away upon seeing them and increased his pace.  When Sung-woon came out on stage, his hair had indeed been dyed that color and we confirmed it was him wondering around - ALONE.  A few blocks down is not the best of neighborhoods so we wondered where he was coming from and rather perplexed as to who let him out alone to wander the streets of LA.

There were two trot singers, both well known in Korea and in their late 60's.  As Asians, yep they still look great, still have energy and sounded amazing.  Liv and I loved Choi Jin-hee's dress and Tae Jin-ah made Olivia's day by coming onto the stage in a BRIGHT yellow suit, coat and hat!  He even made security unhappy by walking into the audience and greeting fans. :D

Jung Eun-Ji from APink (they came 3 yrs ago when we were there) came as a solo artist.  They sound great as a group but when they can show that they really can sing and sing extremely well on their own?  It makes my heart happy.

Kim Bum-soo, he name sounded really familiar so I looked him up.  I didn't recognize him but apparently he's been in the business for 20 yrs and is only a few years younger than me.  He is one of the top singers in Korea and the place went WILD for him.  This venue and event is mostly rich, older Asians or rich Asians and their kids.  Fans of the kpop groups or idols who come fill up other seats.  He jumped off the stage, held a baby, greeted fans and even did an ENCORE.  I've never seen an encore at the festival.  He came back from another entrance, through the crowd, the spotlight, the MC's, no one but those he was singing by could find him until the chorus.

Remember I said the MC was a HUGE fanboy?  He is, of Kim Bum-soo.  He admitted it to all of us and he showed it - so cute.  He would sneak back on stage to film a song or take pictures.  He would come out and do the hand clapping along - it was fun to see a star be another star's fan.

Two Korean Opera Singers CAME!  A tenor and a soprano:  Choi Won-hyun and Kang Hae-jung.  I was raised on Opera, I was trained to sing Opera, I love Opera with all my heart and soul; therefore, I am PICKING about my opera singers and these two did NOT disappoint.  Such clear beautiful notes, no sliding to notes, no breathiness - ahhhhh - it was heaven and I had bliss for 4 magical songs.  The guys behind us were critical at first until the tenor hit his notes and they noticed me filming each song.  That's right fools, idols hit great notes but opera singers hit stronger, longer ones.  

6 Band came again, they were there last year but as Rose Motel.  Rose Motel disbanded but the two guys that started it stayed and just renamed the group.  Again, the guys behind us were critical because yeah, one of the dudes looks old and funny but they sound great, are an actual band and the funny looking guy?  He knows how to get a crowd hyped!

=The two people we went for:

SUPER JUNIOR and TAEMIN

SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth the short travel.  I may never get to South Korea or be able to get tickets here in the states or they may be disbanded by the time I can.  Both SJ and Taemin are with the same company, SM Entertainment and have both been around for over 10 yrs.  Taemin is a part of the group SHINEE but his other members are serving in the military and he does solo as well.

Professional, veteran idols .... AHHHHHHHHH ... is all I can say, so, so worth it.  Super Junior used to have over 12 members and many subunits but as of right now, there are only 8 members.  They just finished a comeback tour around Asia.  Taemin came straight from his solo Asia tour, they have tight schedules but came the 12 to 14 hr plane rides to see us and perform 3 songs.  What they do for their fans.

My camera sucks, I couldn't get all 6 of them on stage, they were so spread out, the camera man couldn't and didn't on the big screen so enjoy Leetyuk (leader of Super Junior) and Donghae (my bias) - white suit is Taemin.  Oh yeah - being the veteran group they are, the leader didn't care and was the first of all the performers to jump from the stage and run into the fans to meet them.  Olivia said Leetyuk has had no justice as he is much more handsome in person - bad photographers.

We were shocked that Taemin (main headliner - people wanted encore from him but it didn't happen) wasn't the closing act.  Instead a hip hop group DJ Doc was.  They came 3 yrs ago so we were familiar with them - another group that gets the crowd hyped.

We were a little further back than we wanted but it was what we could afford and honestly we were just happy we were able to go!

Still not too bad of seats but my old eyes... sigh I'm saving up to sit back in the garden boxes again (in front of us in the picture) and next year we are bringing my DIL Abby along - a true girls weekend. :)

I'm Selfish

I have only to think that it is because of my upbringing that certain words are vile to me.  Through years in different therapy words like victim, selfish, bossy always make me recoil and pull back.  To be called those is physically painful because I've always been called them and I've always tried to NOT be them.  One therapist told me I was only looking at the negative connotations of the words; however, only negativity has ever been used with them in connection to me. 
I've been told to write.  It helps me put things in better perspective, it helps me to connect to epiphany's that leave too suddenly once thought and not written down.  Even as I write this, thoughts I had that were important to share have been lost to me ... not even 5 minutes.  I want to address these words and what they mean to me.  Not just to help me overcome my fear of them and being called them but perhaps in order to help others understand what someone else hear, whether it is what was thought or not.

VICTIM.  I have PTSD; therefore, I am a victim.  My father taught me to be strong. To pull myself up by my bootstraps and go on, ignoring what was happening, trying to help me learn to not have it affect me.  He accomplished his goal in one aspect (bossy) but not in the main (not affecting). 
This post will be long enough, I'm not about to write a book about all the things and my reactions to them that caused my PTSD, lets just say there are numerous, they happened throughout my entire life, and my timid spirit was affronted.  Outside I let things slide while inside they harbored, they festered, they embedded themselves into my cells.  Did I create myself into being a victim?  Probably but I still hate that word.  The dictionary defines victim as a person harmed, injured, duped or tricked.  No one wants to be a victim, so the word by itself brings a powerful undertone to it.  I wish I could remember what my therapist said.  She put a different meaning to each letter of the word, hoping to help me see it in a different light.  I remember the C stood for Courage, the V for Victory.  She spun the word to mean that I had overcome through courage the events that had happened to me through my life.  Yes, I was a victim but I had overcome and therefore did not need to be tied to the demeaning of the word itself.  It is hard to overcome that ... the world does not see it that way and standing up for yourself, is not always seen as courage but as bossy or selfish.
SELFISH.  I found out a few weeks ago that the night before my wedding my mother informed my fiance that I was selfish and good luck, that all her children were.  When my mom died I didn't want to read her journals.  I wanted to remember her love for me, not tarnish her memory with what she really thought of me.  Ha, so much for good intentions because she told others how she felt about me and in moments of anger, they get repeated.  I've tried to wrap my mind around the definition of selfish and how it applies to me. I've tried not to be self centered, I know I've failed repeatedly at that but I still try.  I don't like compliments - they mean the world to me, it is my love language - but I fear accepting them.  Could I really be beautiful?  Could I be generous or funny or talented?  Whenever I hear those things I shine inside, for just a moment, in hope.  But then I more often then not don't say thank you, shrug it off, or say I don't believe it.  If I believe it I have to be someone of worth right?  But how could I be if I'm a bad person?  I know bad people aren't all bad but it makes me want believe that I am wholly good and that leads to somehow coming across as arrogant or self centered which is bad, and I spiral again. 
Having PTSD, depression, and anxiety I am selfish.  I have to be if I am to survive and for my kids and grandbaby, survival is all that matters.  Self care is not supposed to be selfish but needful yet it is seen as selfish, needy even.  I've been depressed, suicidal since I was 16.  Whenever I mentioned it, which was only once or twice, I was scoffed at, ridiculed, with people wondering what I had to be suicidal about.  Does depression need a reason?  No it doesn't and that is why so many people misunderstand it.  If I could wake up each morning telling myself it will be a good day and have it remain such, do you not think I wouldn't do it every morning?  32 yrs of depression tells me that yes, it does have to do with my mind, my subconscious mind, and I have spent many, MANY years trying to fake it until I made it...guess what, I never made it.  I would read about depressed people pulling away from their family, etc and I decided not to do that.  So yes, I was addicted to a multi player online game so that I could forget my world but I would try at night to play in the same room as my family so that even if I emotionally couldn't be all there, I was there, I was present in some way in their lives.  People don't know how or what to do when a person or partner hits that level of mental anguish so they either do nothing or try what they think works for them and are disappointed or hurt when it doesn't work for you.  People with mental illness don't want you to fix it because YOU can't.  It is our mental illness and with therapy, drugs, and a lot of internal work, only WE, ourselves can fix ourselves.  Sometimes we are broken and scattered into more pieces that a short space of time can fix and put back together, other times it happens faster.  It depends on the person, their illness, their internal strength and fortitude.  Sometimes, you just don't have the mental or emotional strength to deal with it at that moment so you slap some band aids over it, put on a mask and try to appear as you have everything all together.
That brings me to BOSSY.  How do you try to appear like your shit is together?  By being in control - a control freak.  I am a recovering perfectionist, anything and everything I could I had to have control over in my life because I could never control what would happen to me .  The saying, YOU control how you react to any given situation.  Claps - well done, go you ... go your conscious you because you honestly don't know how you REALLY reacted unconsciously.  Things I thought I handled well, got over, no repercussions I learned later on, I had not.  So fun to learn about yourself that you aren't as strong as you thought, internally.  How do you tell an 18 month old that her parents going off to Hawaii for a long time isn't abandonment?  I don't even remember it, but apparently my body and subconscious do.  Adult me?  That's stupid.  Baby me?  My mom abandoned me.  Yeah, figure that one out because I still haven't. My father taught me to give 110% or get in trouble.  Failure was not an option.  If I came home with a B- grade I stood before my parents and had to explain myself.  I was better than that, I could do better, and I did.  Am I mad at being raised that way?  No.  Am I hurt that others who weren't hate me for being a perfectionist and wanting things to get done timely and in the right way?  Yes.  At 19 I became an assistant to the CFO and quartermaster of the copy room and supplies.  It was a pain in the ass.  I was the youngest employee working there and the men accountants used to go in to my boss and tell him how they wished they could throw me over their knee and spank me I was so annoying.  Why?  Because I didn't let you stockpile office supplies at your desk and kept them under lock and key?  Because I didn't fall for your supposed charm to get what you wanted?  Yep - I was and am a bitch.  When they put me in charge of the front desk and file room I became Super Bitch - I hated that.  I want someone to explain to me why people look for strong personalities to handle jobs, etc - it's what they want and need and because they know you'll get it done your responsibilities keep building.  But secretly behind your back, they mock you, criticize you and judge you because you are what they want you to be.  Ahh - victim again - but a societal one.  I helped with a ward activity once, I know the person in charge ended up hating me but put up with me because my daughter was his daughter's friend and he liked my husband.  Why?  Because I was always checking with him if anything needed to be done, was there anything else I could help with.  I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of him, I could actually see it on his face but I couldn't stop myself.  My part was done and I wanted to help make sure it was awesome.  I thought my part was done, those I had delegated to got back to me 3 days before the event saying they couldn't do it and they hadn't even done anything.  I did what I always do, I put my panic into action and got something done.  As I was directing it the night of the party, my partner in charge of music opened my eyes to how I was seen in the ward with the words, "Did they not do it right and you had to do it yourself?"  She said it jokingly, there are no jokes really - people just not wanting to be caught being an asshole.  I looked her in the eye and said, "Actually they quit on me 3 days ago, I didn't have a choice."  The look on her face was one of instant regret but she didn't apologize, just walked off because I had turned back around.

It has taken me a lifetime to accept that I am bossy because the term really means, strong and independent.  Do I tell people what to do?  If I'm in charge and I've found, I don't like being in charge anymore, too much stress, too much pain, and too much judgment.  If people want me to stop, they need to not come to me for every little thing and show me they can take care of themselves and me.  Some might complain they are never given a chance, there are two sides and views to everything because no one has the same life experiences; therefore, they couldn't possibly see it the same way. 

I am selfish because I don't want to share my pain.  People try to fix me and that isn't their job.  Rarely does anyone just offer comfort or support which really, is all I've ever wanted.  I don't need advice, I'm 48 yrs old and have been to more self help classes, more therapy, read more books and I know.  I know what works for some people, it doesn't work for all.  I'm glad people want to help me but the best you can do is simply be there, hug me, bring me a drink, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on.  I rarely open up to people, you may know the situation, I'm fine telling that.  What I won't share is the darkness that feeds inside me, the constant struggle to find and be who I really am because the darkness spreads.  Ask anyone, get away from toxic people, they destroy you, they bleed you and if I shared, I would.  The few times I have the only things I have learned is that people will share back and support you as long as they also remain in darkness.  Once they've climbed out of their hole, you are simply a reminder and they don't want to be there anymore.  The support and help for you is gone because they leave.  Everyone leaves.  And trust me, if I could, I would to.

Paix.