Feeling Messed Up

I told my husband I would write about this as it isn't something easy to explain.  It still may come out cold to anyone who doesn't have the same experience.  I figured today was as good a day as any to write about it as I am in mid-crash mode and am intaking sugar and caffeine as much as possible to last me through until the weekend.  Therefore, talking about this will simply add to what is already going on.

Two thoughts are challenging each other in my mind for speak out, yet while the one is what is currently causing my crash and will be continually happening, the other needs to finally be said.

When you are known as a fierce mama bear, when you would give and do anything for your children, when you are known in the family for not even letting them travel out of state without you to visit family for over a week; how than do you handle your oldest leaving for a church mission for 2 yrs?

I'm not sure I can explain but I am willing to try.  I thought I had my son for at least one more year before he left on his mission, than the Prophet announced that the age for missionaries has been changed to allow 18 yr old missionaries into the field.  My heart knew it was Anthony sent.  He was lost, the youngest of his friends and would have been left 1 yr home before he could join his friends in the mission field.  He had no job, knew he wasn't supposed to be in school - he was straggling and looking for answers.  One day on the way home from work I told him that maybe God had something else for him and was sure he would tell him soon. The announcement came a week later.  He immediately set out to get everything done so that he could turn in his papers along with his friends.  His call came in 10 days later (unheard of) at the end of November and we had until mid-January to get him ready and drop him at the MTC.  Leaving ahead of all his friends except one.

I love all my children, I am an obsessive mom.  However, as my oldest, Anthony and I have developed a certain relationship.  He has seen me at my PTSD worst and was there when it started, old enough to remember and to understand and be scared.  Not fully understanding, he, like my other son Ben, have learned to accept and just deal.  Unlike Ben, Anthony talked to me.  Unlike his friends to their moms, my son told me when he made mistakes, when he had questions, when he just wanted to straighten it out in his mind.  He became almost my best friend although I must say lol, most times he would look at what I wanted to say and comment: Talk to someone else about that.  =]

Speeding through getting him ready helped me to not focus on it.  I have always been the type that can repress feelings, one of the reasons I believe that my PTSD took so long to hit and why it hit so out of the blue and hard.  It's my coping mechanism and it fits against my PTSD that wants to let every emotion out, cry whenever or whatever, etc.  So how do I handle my son being gone?  Honestly, I don't feel it.  I don't allow myself to.  I know that he is where he is supposed to be, doing what he needs to and in the Lord's hands.  If I allow myself to start thinking about what could happen to him I will be back where I was 6 years ago.  It hits me, out of the blue, every now and than.  Like on the way into work this morning, no clue where my mind was or what brought the thought in but as I was driving up the street an image or memory of something my son and I had done (probably traveling the road since he took me to work many times) and it slammed me.  He's gone, he's not here, I can't touch him, hear him, hold him and it literally felt like someone stabbed me with a knife right in the heart.  The pain hit, my eyes instantly watered up and than I repressed it.  I can't do this, I can't allow it, I can't think that way.  How cold does that make me?  Because I literally can't withstand the pain of my son being gone, I refuse to feel it, think about it and therefore, sometimes don't think about him.  I told you it was difficult to hear, harder to fully understand and nothing I can share with my son because even though he knows I care and love him beyond - it sounds as though it is out of sight out of mind.  Never the case, never a possibility always a struggle to repress along with a lot of other PTSD crap just so that I can keep being "normal" on a day to day basis and get up and go to work and yeah, crash on the weekend because physically my body says TOO MUCH, ENOUGH - and it shuts down.

Brain Train derailed

One of the fun things of PTSD is trying to remember!  This morning while trying to get ready for work I came up with the perfect thing to blog about today.  Something to do with marriage, I think, that's just it, I don't remember.  I planned on coming straight to work and quickly blogging than adding my son's mission blog with his email.  I should never plan on that, for once I get to work things explode and most thoughts that once resided in my noggin are simply......gone.  Sigh.

My son is doing good in New York State.  He is struggling with low numbers and personal issues that as I mentioned last post, he gets from his mother, grandmother - yeah we are a line of worriers.  Not that it ever has done us any good yet we just don't seem to be able to stop.  One of these days!  I'm hopeful. =]  For those catching this that would like to catch up with my boy you can find him on myzengermissionary.blogspot.com .

One of the other day to day things to work through is being satisfied with what you can get done in a day.  For those like me, recovering perfectionist, that compete against yourselves and try to be ahead of the game - catch mistakes before others, get things accomplished before the holiday so you can take a holiday - yeah those things.  I know most people are hard on themselves and have to work on "list" issues like marking off the things you accomplished today.  Yes at the beginning of counseling 6 yrs ago I did those lists and the most accomplished some days was "I got out of bed".  These days when you feel better and think you might be headed towards "normal - your old self", you have to accept that you aren't.  That what you once could accomplish in a day is gone and new standards have to be set and you have to be okay with that.  If I told myself I was not as accomplished or competent as I once was (which I did at one time) than I would also be adding self esteem issues to the mix.  It simply has to do with not being able to multi-task like I used to.  Multi-tasking takes more energy than I possess and when you want to sleep at night, energy is a necessary commodity.

When I remember what it was I was originally supposed to type here, maybe I'll come back. =]

Paix

Off and running.......only figuratively of course.

I believe I will start this blog with an introduction.  Most people know of me, yes I say it that way on purpose, because until you open up your heart, your mind, your soul, and your thoughts to those around you, no one really knows you but you, and God.  I stated in my description that I am Christian, I know that there is a God, that he has a son, Jesus Christ, and they help lead people through the Holy Ghost.  I am my religion.  It can't be separated from me, many trials, tribulations, and people have tried; yet failed.  I don't use my religion as a shield, a push point, or to be prejudiced, it is simply ingrained me that I am a daughter of God and his love has been proven to me, for me, too many times for me to deny it.  If you've gotten this far and are still reading, thank you. :)  I have friends of many different faiths, non-faith even, and have tried ever since my PTSD started, to be the least judgmental person that I can.  I believe that inside, we are all the same.  On the outside we look different, sound different, speak different; yet in our soul and heart we are all creations of God.  We think differently due to heritage, background, and circumstance; however, once upon a time we didn't judge, we didn't poke fun at, we didn't tease, we didn't hate those are learned behaviors.  Once upon a time...we accepted and loved. 

This blog is to speak to that heart and soul that is crying out to be heard, to be understood, and to be accepted for who and what they are. 

In 2007 my "normal" world crash in on itself, day by day getting worse and worse until I seriously thought I had gone crazy, lost it, had a mental breakdown.  My children were 13, 11, and 7.  I can still recall the look on my 13 yr old son's face as I had just picked everyone up from school.  You have to realize, the Elementary School and Jr High School are only 1 mile away in their own directions.  After picking up Elementary and starting home, I detoured and pulled into the Chevron station and parked.  Not in a stall or space, just pulled in and slammed on the brakes.  I peeled my white knuckled hands off the wheel and turned to my oldest son, with tears streaking down my face and said, "Oh my God Anthony I can't DO THIS!"  I grabbed my cell phone, jumped out of the car so my kids wouldn't hear me and called my OBGYN to see if she had a referral for me to get help or could get me on some medication asap.  Well, we all know that NOTHING in this world happens asap.  It's taken years of mixed drug (cocktails) combinations to finally get one that allowed me to "manage" or be able to deal with my life.  It didn't fix, didn't control, but helped me be at a place where I could tap down my anxiety, my emotions or at least try to.  I had another drug that was short term, fast acting that helped me when I couldn't help myself.

I'm trying to face my demons.  Any of you out there fighting with me know that facing your demons brings back the trauma, the reason your body finally said ENOUGH!  Therefore, this blog may not be typed in each day, I may share, feel great and than crash the next day - not doing as great as I thought I was.  I am going to restrict it to no comments.  Opening myself up to criticism is something that I deal with daily, and still not well.  I don't want to hear from those that have no idea what we go through to "knock it off, pick yourself up, move on, get over it".  I get enough of that from my family.  If you don't understand, you don't have the right to judge and even if you begin to understand, which I hope some of you can, for those you may love, you still can't fully and I don't wish this on anyone, even if it will give you empathy.  Those who come here from Facebook either know me personally, are gaming friends, or I have connected with due to PTSD, TBI, and other disorders.  God bless you, each of you have helped me in ways you can't understand, just by being you.   Showing your struggles, embracing them, fighting them, and supporting those around you.  If anything I share helps or causes someone to stop and think, than this blog is successful and I would love to hear that.  However, please respect that while I have made this available via search engines, in order to reach out to those who may need, PTSD is negative enough, no one needs any more in their life, especially not me, when I fight it each day, most of the day.

Paix (peace)