Depression

Last night my depression slump suddenly "disappeared".  So glad!  It wasn't anything earth shattering of sudden moments of exquisite joy but rather a thought of something to do.  Yes, it is that simple.

With that said, many people would hold to their belief  that depression is something you can just "get over", "if you'd get up and do something you wouldn't be depressed", or the ever popular "you obviously just want to be this way, you could change if you wanted to".  I've heard all three my whole life.  Yes, my WHOLE life since I've had bouts of depression since I think 12.  There are a few years of childhood I don't remember, I'm not sure if there is a real reason for that or if it is simply that nothing magnanimous happened during those years so why bother.  I also say 12 for that is when I started my menstruation.  My hormones have been a veritable mess since.  I didn't know any better so I never mentioned any of it until I went to see an OB/GYN before I got married.  You see I started at 12 and than it suddenly wasn't there anymore.  I honestly didn't think about it - I just went back to the way I was and was happy not to worry or plan.  It came back when I was in 8th grade - so when I was 13, almost 14 and it came back with a VENGEANCE.  From then on and until I went on the pill at 21 I was constantly irregular, lucky if it showed up each month - made it very frustrating.  I was regular -for me, meaning I at least had one every month but no, not when the pills dictated.  Than after 3 yrs, my body would totally start to ignore the pills and I was back to having a cycle when it wanted. 

Why the lengthy "cycle" chat?  To give a little bit of background.  Granted men don't have "cycles" but I'm the mother of two teenage boys and you cannot tell me that their hormones don't go whacky just like a females, I believe it has simply never been explored - it always has another name, a "mood", an "episode", or "anger". 

Depression is no respecter of people.  It doesn't care if you are male or female, in shape or jiggly, tall or short; hair color, eye color, race or nationality - it doesn't care.  I read something once that told me that if I was "depressed" that I had obviously "sinned" and needed to repent and ask for forgiveness and than the Lord's blessings would lift the depression from me.  For years I searched for "what" I had done to sin against God.  I have little flaws, giant flaws, small sins but none that I ever would consider worthy of being "punished" by God until I asked for forgiveness.  I definitely can buy that guilt can be a depression catalyst, no doubt about it.  However, to lump all depression in with that is wrong.  Sometimes depression just is.

I take medication for my depression, for anxiety; I had both before I had PTSD but no where near the level they reached with my PTSD.  I always tried what everyone else told me, what my father taught me, I "picked myself up by my bootstraps" and carried on.  In other words, I ignored it and it didn't go away.  It built, it festered, it grew and one day I woke up and thought I had lost my freaking mind.  I couldn't handle ANYTHING, which for a control freak, recovering perfectionist - is like a death sentence.  I suddenly had no control over my life, my emotions (they came whether I took medication or not, whether I wanted them to or not), it felt like I literally could not even control my household or my kids.  Medication is okay people, for short term.  Seeking alternative medicine to help is okay.  Acknowledging that there is something wrong with you that you can no longer control, is necessary. 

It is my belief that anyone who tells you they've been depressed and they simply "got over it" by positive thinking, etc, they were never truly depressed.  Sad maybe, grieving, disappointed even but not depressed.  Because depression is chemical.  Depression is the result of something in your brain not firing correctly or not being received and it is capitulated by bad self talk, bad self esteem, unworthy and unholy thoughts.  Because society has led us to believe that if we are depressed, we are bad.  We must deserve it, we must have done something wrong, we must be being punished by God for sin.  I'm sorry, the God I believe in loves me and doesn't want me to be in pain.  I have felt his arms around me in moments of deepest grief when no one else cared to even try to comfort me.  I am not being punished, is this a trial?  Most definitely.  Will it end?  I'm hopeful.  See?  Today I have hope whereas yesterday I didn't care.  I wasn't being lazy, I seriously had no energy, no motivation, no ...nothing, I was depressed.  Why?  It didn't have a name this round, it simply came and stayed for about a week and I am grateful that for today at least, it packed up and took a vacation.  It might be a mini vacation, or it might be an extended - I'm kind of hoping it's extended you see there are things I want to do, want to accomplish, need to finish.  Those thoughts and feelings don't leave when you are depressed, the fact that you can't do them, can't really do anything simply makes you feel worse but you still know that "you" are inside.

I have had to learn and I am now 43 - so it has taken 30 years for me to fully accept my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  For me to get upset when people look down on me for not being "happy" all the time.  I've realized that it isn't about me, it's about THEM.  They need to have happy people around them because they don't have the fortitude to keep themselves happy "all the time" and its easier when others are around.  They are the ones that believe it is "bad" to have depression when in fact, I have to wonder if it isn't something they struggle and fight to avoid.  You often criticize that in others which you don't like in yourself.  Remember that, accept that, and let them continue to fight away from you because you don't need their poison adding to the self hate you already have.  

Be happy for the good days - acknowledge them, embrace them, and get all that you can accomplished when they show up.  Than be gentle with yourself when the depression hits, because more often than not, there is nothing you can do about it but gather those you love around you and ride it out.

Paix

Good Reading

All three of these books are Kindle Editions and I figured out how to share them if you have a Kindle or Cloud account!  So let me know! :)

Long Time Coming by Edie Claire

I downloaded this one for free and than let sit there.  Interesting how we do that isn't it?  The story takes place when a daughter returns home to help ailing parents.  Home to where she must face her fears, her slight PTSD, and the truth.  Reconnecting with old friends, ghosts (literally) from her past, and even a crotchedy old man, all help her to overcome, accept, and move on to fulfill the life that she should have always had.

That is a really small, short synopsis of a really well written book.  It doesn't delve deeply into the anxiety, depression, or PTSD but it touches on them, some symptoms, so that if you live it day in and out, you will recognize and associate with it.  It moves you through the process of dealing with memories, nightmares, and how the main character deals with these problems, even through the living of day to day life.  It has romance, a little suspense, a little bit of supernatural, and a great ending.

Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington

This looked like a romance novel to me so I downloaded it and was VERY pleasantly surprised!  In fact, I have decided I will let Olivia read it, anytime she wants.  This is the story of a beautiful girl, marked at the age of 5.  This mark or scar has driven her entire life.  Her parents divorced over it, she hides it from everyone and therefore, hides herself.  The book is set in her Junior yr in High School where she learns what the mark is, that there are others like her, that it isn't something to be ashamed of, that it isn't "bad" to want to look or allow yourself to be beautiful.

There is some great humor in this book, plus I was right, a little love story.  Yet it is a teenage, real teenage, love story between two that have been friends for 12 yrs.  It is a story of acceptance of others and of yourself.  It tells of how to be different, yet acknowledge that it is a good thing, and that you shouldn't allow anyone to bully you.

A Different Blue  by Amy Harmon

I grew up with Amy's big sister and know Amy from doing a weeks teaching course in her 8th grade Advanced English class when I was a Senior in High School.  Amy is BEYOND talented in so many ways and I am very fortunate to be able to not just know her but to reap the benefit of her talents.  As I've mentioned, there is nothing more fun than touting someone's name far and wide, especially when they are a good, normal person and deserve it.  I've heard about this book for months, I've OWNED this book on my kindle for MONTHS and finally decided it was time to read it.  Can you say, "Shoulda had a V-8" thunk moment?  I absolutely loved Blue.

Blue is a wonderful in-depth character who is the product of her life.  She believes her life is fated from the childhood she received and that she is unworthy of love because of it.  Due to a mentor/ teacher who takes the time to understand, listen, and assist; she begins to realize who she really is and what she can accomplish with her life.  She finds God and his atonement, she takes responsibility for her mistakes and consequences and discovers that her life really wasn't what the "child" in her envisioned it to be.  It was however, a beautiful gift, that allows her to be a different Blue.

Sorting through muddled thoughts

The previous video embed by group Within Temptation, Stand My Ground; pretty much embraces how I feel these days.  "Stand my ground I won't give in, I won't give up"... with so much unknown about PTSD by the public mainly (we won't discuss by the doctors) it is up to each of us to stand our ground and fight for ourselves.  No one else will, no one else really can.  People that love you try to be there for you but as I realized this week, they can be TOO close to the situation.  Makes sense right?  When you are faced with being there day after day, seeing the shifts, not understanding all the triggers, you become like who you are watching; confused, unsure, and let's face it:  lost.

I haven't been able to see my reflexologist in a couple of months and I know I have major blocks that are making me experience my emotions - more.  Definition of more:  a greater or additional amount or degree.  I learned 5 years ago that when my body life force is unblocked and flowing as it should, I have the strength to handle things a little bit better.  I have noticed - quite by accident - that when some area blocks are opened and not the whole body's that it throws me into fits, weird fits.  Like neon lights going off adrenaline fits.  

It has been an interesting week.  I survived the Salt Lake Comic Con - with 3 breaks in area's not as crowded, leaving early, and not going to see the panels we wanted.  But that's okay!  I did it!  I went!  Not just for me but for my kids!  What does that mean?  That means I can't face my 25 yr High School Reunion tonight and tomorrow.  It means I can't face going to my husbands cousin's wedding next week because it involves travel and lots of family!  Family that doesn't understand and I'm not strong enough to withstand judging at this time, same reason of the reunion.  I wrote a note to 3 friends that I would love to have seen, explaining to them why I wouldn't be there.  One my best friend from High School that I don't understand why she doesn't have PTSD she has been through more than I have and yet, there I go, I'm judging and we can't.  Remember, everyone's experiences are different, viewed differently by their soul and therein lies why no one wants to talk about their trauma.  Okay, besides the fact that hello it's TRAUMATIC - why put yourself back where you just climbed out of?  Each of us looks at our situation, decides it doesn't deserve the attention of a disorder, feels that we should be stronger than what we see ourselves, and than, yeah, crash, burn, fallout and you get the picture.

I thought, because Tuesday was a good day, that I was getting better.  That it had only taken me really 2 days to get over Comic Con and that my symptoms weren't that bad!  I like to delude myself, can you tell?  Sigh.  I reached out to my PTSD mentor that I met on Facebook, through his page, PTSD Reclaiming Yourself for Good.  I don't think it was necessarily anything he said after I heard, "Okay, I'm here."  Those words didn't fix it but having someone who understood my anger trigger, not what the trigger was but that the trigger existed and was fully unexplainable, it was weight lifting.  I wasn't alone, I wasn't an enigma, strange, or deranged.  People are brought into your life for a reason, and I'm grateful that through his page, I can read and hear about others going through what I am.  I found another great page PTSD and Me - written by a wife and husband.  It's more her page but he comments and its wonderful when he does.  PTSD isn't just about those who have it, but those who love those that have it also.  My daughter is now 13, the age my oldest son was when all this started for me.  I remember him having a difficult time understanding and now, even though this has been going on since she was 6, my daughter is having those difficulties.  It will be interesting.  I'm not sure I want to go through the continual explaining of why I can't take her somewhere, won't watch a movie, why Dad is dropping something off instead of me.  I can push myself and try to be what she wants me to be and when - and than I will crash and put myself back 3 paces from the ground I had gained.  There has to be a middle ground.

Within Temptation - Stand My Ground

Water Revelations

I post a lot of pictures on Facebook of water, here are a few of them.  I love water.  It signifies peace, tranquility, and joy to me.  I spent years going to self help classes, relaxation courses, and all would tell me "go to your happy place".  I love being outdoors; therefore, I figured my "happy place" had green foliage but honestly that was all I could ever conjure up.  I'd never been "relaxed" enough to "find" my happy place, ever.  I have a little embroidery picture a friend made me that says, "I can't relax! Stress is what holds me together!".  How unfortunately TRUE that statement.  During one specific Women's Workshop we had to take a test on just how stressed you were.  The asked show of hand scores.  Came down to just me with my hand up - the teacher had already said "anything over this number is unhealthy".  She quizzically looked at me and when I revealed my score she about fell on the floor and asked how I could be sitting there, let alone looking so calm.  Because I wasn't?  Calm that is, I hardly ever am.  At that point in life, I remember it exactly, I had a 2 yr old potty training, a new infant boy, my husband had just changed jobs, and my dad's cancer had just come back.  There were many more items on the list but these were those that added the "most" stress to life and yep, I had them all.. oh and postpartum depression.  Fun.  My husband was concerned enough at that time to call my mom, once and see if she would go over and sit with me.  That worked well....NOT.  My mom, slightly depressed herself had no idea why she needed to come "watch" me and left after about an hour.  Needless to say, by the time my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder kicked in, I was already overflowing with the stress part. 

I've been seeing my reflexologist for about 5 yrs now.  I am a LONG way from the person I was when I first saw her.  About 2 yrs ago? Time isn't relevant to me anymore, I can't differentiate days once they've past anymore; I believe it was 2 yrs ago, during a Sacrum-Cranial appointment, she got me to where I had NEVER in my recollective life have ever been - relaxed.  So relaxed in fact that SHE fell asleep - ha ha ha - that in itself is a miracle as I usually make her want to throw up or take many breaks (work related- hard to explain but it's not gross!).  I admit, I probably could have fallen asleep but my trust level even with her, still would not give that control up.  It did though, send me to my "happy place" - finally!  I knew what it was, where it was and how wonderful it really is to go there!  Where is it?  In the water.  Starting to understand my pictures now?  In my happy place I am floating on my back in a body of water that is - yes, overhung with green foliage.  There are places through the foliage where the sun can peek through.  It's a magical place to me.

Here's the kicker....water - especially floating - is part of my PTSD.  When I was about 7 I almost drown.  I was hanging onto the side of an apartment complex pool, brothers and sisters in and out of the pool, people all around.  My older sister floated by and I let go of the side of the pool, reaching out to her.  Right as I reached her floaty, she rolled off the opposite way.  With nothing to hold onto, under the water I went.  I'd never been in a swimming pool before - ever, I didn't know what to do.  Interestingly enough, I remember looking up and seeing my brothers at the side of the pool talking, looking at me under the water and I thought, "hello?  anyone help me?".  I don't know how but for some reason I saw my brother dive in and pull me up  and out.  I got in trouble.  "That was dumb of me, why didn't I come back up to the surface? Why didn't I kick my legs?"  Because I was 7 and didn't know?!?!?  I coughed up the water, was given a towel and was sent back to the apartment, no longer welcome at the pool.  Meh, its life or at least it is my life. 

When I was 15 I was a nanny for my sister and her husband offered to teach me to swim.  "I can teach you he boasted" and than after I nearly drown him and myself - again- he decided I was unteachable.  Our friends David & Linda have a community pool and ask me constantly if I am coming swimming - yes they have accomplished what none other since having my daughter - they have gotten me in a swim suit and in the pool.  With the help of a "noodle" I float around twisting my legs but when I raise my legs up to waist level, my trigger kicks in, panic ensues and I about drown myself again.  Sigh - I still have hopes that ONE day I can experience my happy place in real life.  For now, I post pictures, I dream and wish and that will do.   Paix

Interesting Life

Every now and than I look and my life, the people who have come into it, follow it, and/or have come back and am stunned.  The negative part of my brain that was arguing with me this morning looks at this and scoffs, makes fun, tells me that it is simply a rare instance and won't last long.  The positive side (the side I try desperately to keep in touch with but it is rare these days) tells me simply "why not?"  What is so different of me from anyone else out there that I can't experience good friendships, amazing friend finds and in my own small little world have new links to authors, musicians, and others who share my trials with PTSD?  Why the heck not?!?!  The positive side is thrilled, a little in awe, and loves the fact that new people are showing up and old friends are returning.  The negative side tells me, "It won't last long, don't get used to it".  Well, =P to my negative side - because I love getting to know new people, finding new books, new music and finding the "regular" people behind these wonderful gifts to the world.  The fact that there are regular people and not snotty celebrities brings me immense joy!  Still leaves me in a bit of awe but as long as I keep myself in check and don't "overstep" any friendship lines, (or scare them away with my PTSD comments :S ) than I believe there is a significant amount of value that we can share together - for each other.  I may not be famous or a published author; yet, I feel every person has something to share in life and that anyone that comes into your life, no matter when or how, is there  for a reason and there for each other to "rub off" if you will, a bit of ourselves on each other.  Rubbing footprints into hearts, minds, on souls...positivity and love.

Piecing things together

Many people want to know "why" I would have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  No I have never been a soldier or at war, I did want to join the Air Force and took the test in High School with one other girl and a bunch of laughing boys (laughing at the 2 females).  The recruiters didn't though and I'm proud to say that when the recruiters came back they told the guys to "shut it" because the 2 females beat out almost everyone of them score wise.  Why didn't I do it?  Eye sight mainly.  I have always had horrible eyesight and they wouldn't let me fly, that is what I wanted to do - fly, like my father who was an Army Helicopter Pilot.

Back on subject...one of the things people need to understand about PTSD is that it isn't always just "one" thing that triggers the illness.  Most times, like with mine, many stressors and mini-trauma's in my life combined into the point where my soul and my brain just said "NO MORE" and I literally felt like I broke.  My psychologist favorite comment to make was "You didn't have a nervous breakdown, because nerves don't break".  0.o  hmph could have fooled my body!  What are those trauma's and stressors?  Different for each person which is why no one can understand you or your pain - it is YOURS.  Everyone handles things differently, what may be "nothing" to you, could be the final straw to someone else that leads them down the road to needing help.  Besides, in my view point, I am not going to "list" my trauma's to you, "HELLO, what part of the fact they were traumatizing did you not get"?  Finding new doctors, therapists, anything will always set who I'm going to call a "survivor" back because they all make you retell - therefore, reliving your trauma.  Most people consider that "helpful" but not always.  Each time I have to "retell" every single one of my "points of life", I am so proud of myself thinking I did such a good job! "pat on the back time"  Than about 2 hours later my world crashes down around me again and it lasts about 2 to 3 days - not such a good job after all.

In order to get better, I have had to do some major mental work.  It isn't easy and it is down right painful.  Facing things that your subconscious deliberately pushed to the back of your mind, looking through it again and again to find the truth, the answer that YOU need out of it.  No one can find it for you, which makes this a very lonely illness.  People want to help but there really isn't anything anyone can do - but be there.  We aren't the easiest of people to always be around with major mood swings, sudden depression, sometimes violent tendencies but the fact that someone cares enough to still be standing there when that episode stops says everything.  I know that if there are violent tendencies it is better to leave the person alone, please don't be around them, they don't need the guilt of hurting you physically when they weren't able to help it.  There is medicine to help with that and counseling.  The main thing you have to remember is the person you love/d is still in there, they are simply going through a living hell that they have to manouver and navigate themselves.  Others can be there to guide and assist, but in the end, its your brain, your pain, and up to you to sort it out and figure out what you can forgive of others, of yourself, and what you can live with.