The previous video embed by group Within Temptation, Stand My Ground; pretty much embraces how I feel these days. "Stand my ground I won't give in, I won't give up"... with so much unknown about PTSD by the public mainly (we won't discuss by the doctors) it is up to each of us to stand our ground and fight for ourselves. No one else will, no one else really can. People that love you try to be there for you but as I realized this week, they can be TOO close to the situation. Makes sense right? When you are faced with being there day after day, seeing the shifts, not understanding all the triggers, you become like who you are watching; confused, unsure, and let's face it: lost.
I haven't been able to see my reflexologist in a couple of months and I know I have major blocks that are making me experience my emotions - more. Definition of more: a greater or additional amount or degree. I learned 5 years ago that when my body life force is unblocked and flowing as it should, I have the strength to handle things a little bit better. I have noticed - quite by accident - that when some area blocks are opened and not the whole body's that it throws me into fits, weird fits. Like neon lights going off adrenaline fits.
It has been an interesting week. I survived the Salt Lake Comic Con - with 3 breaks in area's not as crowded, leaving early, and not going to see the panels we wanted. But that's okay! I did it! I went! Not just for me but for my kids! What does that mean? That means I can't face my 25 yr High School Reunion tonight and tomorrow. It means I can't face going to my husbands cousin's wedding next week because it involves travel and lots of family! Family that doesn't understand and I'm not strong enough to withstand judging at this time, same reason of the reunion. I wrote a note to 3 friends that I would love to have seen, explaining to them why I wouldn't be there. One my best friend from High School that I don't understand why she doesn't have PTSD she has been through more than I have and yet, there I go, I'm judging and we can't. Remember, everyone's experiences are different, viewed differently by their soul and therein lies why no one wants to talk about their trauma. Okay, besides the fact that hello it's TRAUMATIC - why put yourself back where you just climbed out of? Each of us looks at our situation, decides it doesn't deserve the attention of a disorder, feels that we should be stronger than what we see ourselves, and than, yeah, crash, burn, fallout and you get the picture.
I thought, because Tuesday was a good day, that I was getting better. That it had only taken me really 2 days to get over Comic Con and that my symptoms weren't that bad! I like to delude myself, can you tell? Sigh. I reached out to my PTSD mentor that I met on Facebook, through his page, PTSD Reclaiming Yourself for Good. I don't think it was necessarily anything he said after I heard, "Okay, I'm here." Those words didn't fix it but having someone who understood my anger trigger, not what the trigger was but that the trigger existed and was fully unexplainable, it was weight lifting. I wasn't alone, I wasn't an enigma, strange, or deranged. People are brought into your life for a reason, and I'm grateful that through his page, I can read and hear about others going through what I am. I found another great page PTSD and Me - written by a wife and husband. It's more her page but he comments and its wonderful when he does. PTSD isn't just about those who have it, but those who love those that have it also. My daughter is now 13, the age my oldest son was when all this started for me. I remember him having a difficult time understanding and now, even though this has been going on since she was 6, my daughter is having those difficulties. It will be interesting. I'm not sure I want to go through the continual explaining of why I can't take her somewhere, won't watch a movie, why Dad is dropping something off instead of me. I can push myself and try to be what she wants me to be and when - and than I will crash and put myself back 3 paces from the ground I had gained. There has to be a middle ground.
