I post a lot of pictures on Facebook of water, here are a few of them. I love water. It signifies peace, tranquility, and joy to me. I spent years going to self help classes, relaxation courses, and all would tell me "go to your happy place". I love being outdoors; therefore, I figured my "happy place" had green foliage but honestly that was all I could ever conjure up. I'd never been "relaxed" enough to "find" my happy place, ever. I have a little embroidery picture a friend made me that says, "I can't relax! Stress is what holds me together!". How unfortunately TRUE that statement. During one specific Women's Workshop we had to take a test on just how stressed you were. The asked show of hand scores. Came down to just me with my hand up - the teacher had already said "anything over this number is unhealthy". She quizzically looked at me and when I revealed my score she about fell on the floor and asked how I could be sitting there, let alone looking so calm. Because I wasn't? Calm that is, I hardly ever am. At that point in life, I remember it exactly, I had a 2 yr old potty training, a new infant boy, my husband had just changed jobs, and my dad's cancer had just come back. There were many more items on the list but these were those that added the "most" stress to life and yep, I had them all.. oh and postpartum depression. Fun. My husband was concerned enough at that time to call my mom, once and see if she would go over and sit with me. That worked well....NOT. My mom, slightly depressed herself had no idea why she needed to come "watch" me and left after about an hour. Needless to say, by the time my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder kicked in, I was already overflowing with the stress part.
I've been seeing my reflexologist for about 5 yrs now. I am a LONG way from the person I was when I first saw her. About 2 yrs ago? Time isn't relevant to me anymore, I can't differentiate days once they've past anymore; I believe it was 2 yrs ago, during a Sacrum-Cranial appointment, she got me to where I had NEVER in my recollective life have ever been - relaxed. So relaxed in fact that SHE fell asleep - ha ha ha - that in itself is a miracle as I usually make her want to throw up or take many breaks (work related- hard to explain but it's not gross!). I admit, I probably could have fallen asleep but my trust level even with her, still would not give that control up. It did though, send me to my "happy place" - finally! I knew what it was, where it was and how wonderful it really is to go there! Where is it? In the water. Starting to understand my pictures now? In my happy place I am floating on my back in a body of water that is - yes, overhung with green foliage. There are places through the foliage where the sun can peek through. It's a magical place to me.
Here's the kicker....water - especially floating - is part of my PTSD. When I was about 7 I almost drown. I was hanging onto the side of an apartment complex pool, brothers and sisters in and out of the pool, people all around. My older sister floated by and I let go of the side of the pool, reaching out to her. Right as I reached her floaty, she rolled off the opposite way. With nothing to hold onto, under the water I went. I'd never been in a swimming pool before - ever, I didn't know what to do. Interestingly enough, I remember looking up and seeing my brothers at the side of the pool talking, looking at me under the water and I thought, "hello? anyone help me?". I don't know how but for some reason I saw my brother dive in and pull me up and out. I got in trouble. "That was dumb of me, why didn't I come back up to the surface? Why didn't I kick my legs?" Because I was 7 and didn't know?!?!? I coughed up the water, was given a towel and was sent back to the apartment, no longer welcome at the pool. Meh, its life or at least it is my life.
When I was 15 I was a nanny for my sister and her husband offered to teach me to swim. "I can teach you he boasted" and than after I nearly drown him and myself - again- he decided I was unteachable. Our friends David & Linda have a community pool and ask me constantly if I am coming swimming - yes they have accomplished what none other since having my daughter - they have gotten me in a swim suit and in the pool. With the help of a "noodle" I float around twisting my legs but when I raise my legs up to waist level, my trigger kicks in, panic ensues and I about drown myself again. Sigh - I still have hopes that ONE day I can experience my happy place in real life. For now, I post pictures, I dream and wish and that will do. Paix
