I believe I will start this blog with an introduction. Most people know of me, yes I say it that way on purpose, because until you open up your heart, your mind, your soul, and your thoughts to those around you, no one really knows you but you, and God. I stated in my description that I am Christian, I know that there is a God, that he has a son, Jesus Christ, and they help lead people through the Holy Ghost. I am my religion. It can't be separated from me, many trials, tribulations, and people have tried; yet failed. I don't use my religion as a shield, a push point, or to be prejudiced, it is simply ingrained me that I am a daughter of God and his love has been proven to me, for me, too many times for me to deny it. If you've gotten this far and are still reading, thank you. :) I have friends of many different faiths, non-faith even, and have tried ever since my PTSD started, to be the least judgmental person that I can. I believe that inside, we are all the same. On the outside we look different, sound different, speak different; yet in our soul and heart we are all creations of God. We think differently due to heritage, background, and circumstance; however, once upon a time we didn't judge, we didn't poke fun at, we didn't tease, we didn't hate those are learned behaviors. Once upon a time...we accepted and loved.
This blog is to speak to that heart and soul that is crying out to be heard, to be understood, and to be accepted for who and what they are.
In 2007 my "normal" world crash in on itself, day by day getting worse and worse until I seriously thought I had gone crazy, lost it, had a mental breakdown. My children were 13, 11, and 7. I can still recall the look on my 13 yr old son's face as I had just picked everyone up from school. You have to realize, the Elementary School and Jr High School are only 1 mile away in their own directions. After picking up Elementary and starting home, I detoured and pulled into the Chevron station and parked. Not in a stall or space, just pulled in and slammed on the brakes. I peeled my white knuckled hands off the wheel and turned to my oldest son, with tears streaking down my face and said, "Oh my God Anthony I can't DO THIS!" I grabbed my cell phone, jumped out of the car so my kids wouldn't hear me and called my OBGYN to see if she had a referral for me to get help or could get me on some medication asap. Well, we all know that NOTHING in this world happens asap. It's taken years of mixed drug (cocktails) combinations to finally get one that allowed me to "manage" or be able to deal with my life. It didn't fix, didn't control, but helped me be at a place where I could tap down my anxiety, my emotions or at least try to. I had another drug that was short term, fast acting that helped me when I couldn't help myself.
I'm trying to face my demons. Any of you out there fighting with me know that facing your demons brings back the trauma, the reason your body finally said ENOUGH! Therefore, this blog may not be typed in each day, I may share, feel great and than crash the next day - not doing as great as I thought I was. I am going to restrict it to no comments. Opening myself up to criticism is something that I deal with daily, and still not well. I don't want to hear from those that have no idea what we go through to "knock it off, pick yourself up, move on, get over it". I get enough of that from my family. If you don't understand, you don't have the right to judge and even if you begin to understand, which I hope some of you can, for those you may love, you still can't fully and I don't wish this on anyone, even if it will give you empathy. Those who come here from Facebook either know me personally, are gaming friends, or I have connected with due to PTSD, TBI, and other disorders. God bless you, each of you have helped me in ways you can't understand, just by being you. Showing your struggles, embracing them, fighting them, and supporting those around you. If anything I share helps or causes someone to stop and think, than this blog is successful and I would love to hear that. However, please respect that while I have made this available via search engines, in order to reach out to those who may need, PTSD is negative enough, no one needs any more in their life, especially not me, when I fight it each day, most of the day.
Paix (peace)
