This is me... I'm 47

This is me, I added a filter to the bottom because the light in my house was making my face all red.

Here I am, no make-up, unfiltered.  My hair is dyed because due to stress, I've been going white since I was 18 - no lie.  I never know where to look in a selfie, I hate pictures of myself, so it looks like I have a lazy eye but I don't.  I do have bags under my eyes, dark circles that get worse with make-up, acne that still flares up, freckles, and wrinkles.  Today I am 47 - almost a half century.  I don't feel nor act like I'm 47 (I feel younger), my body most days thinks it's 80.  I've had diagnosed PTSD for 10 years now.

For the first 3 to 4 yrs I didn't sleep, hence the permanent dark circles.  I would average about 15 hrs in a week, then my body would just 'crash'.  That's when your body has to sleep or you die.  It is the weirdest feeling to have your body just collapse and sleep without dreams and when you wake you can't move... you feel like your paralyzed.  Nothing helped my insomnia, pills and herbal remedies just left my body exhausted and me crying, bumping into furniture in absolute exhaustion.  I found out that I had no energy, that sleep requires energy, so that your body can rebuild during the night.  I often, still, have to pick whether I do one thing only (depending the size of it) or a few small things during one day so that I have enough energy to sleep that night.  People call it the Spoonie effect - it's a real thing, I'm here to testify.  The spoonie effect is that you have, say 10 spoons per day.  For most people, the energy they expend getting dressed, eating breakfast, showering, etc may only take 1 spoon... for others, it may take 2 or 3.  Work is 1, anything causing extra stress is 1, so for me, grocery shopping on some days takes 2 spoons.  The goal is to have a spoon left over in which to sleep and not have to borrow from your spoons for tomorrow.

I became a recluse for many years.  I couldn't drive over a mile away from my house or I went into total panic attack.  The only times I did were to either therapy or when work called a meeting - thankfully I worked from home.  It's hard to explain what having an anti-social disorder does to someone who was once very social.  You reach out for any other type of social interaction you can without leaving your comfort zone.  My outreach was computer gaming, playing an MMORP called Puzzle Pirates.  It was easy to make friends and I quickly found out, most that played also had disorders.  Extremely shy, agoraphobia, etc.  However, when you get a group of mental disorders in game, there is always drama, someone's feelings are always hurt - so yep, just like real life.  When I would rather play than work, I talked with my therapist about it.  I moved my computer into where my family was so that I was at least in the same room with them.  I rewarded myself with playing after work was finished.  Thankfully, after a few years, I left the game.  My husband always knows my stress is beyond bad if I've downloaded the game again and have started playing.  My friends have all stopped playing and I have no interest in making new ones so I mostly just puzzle by myself, it's a comfort.

As I mentioned, I hate pictures of myself - always have, more so now that I've been the same weight for the past 10 yrs, it just shifts.  I overcome a stress related to my PTSD and I drop 10 lbs, another shows up and it comes right back.  If I had energy, I would love to dance and walk it off; unfortunately, I have very little of that.  For years people have told me it comes back the more you do it and it does; now that I actually have some energy for more than 1 thing a day, I've been trying to go on walks with my daughter.  So far I can make a loop around my neighborhood - one loop but it's more than I've been able to do in years and I'll take it.

I've started doing things I used to love and things I always wanted to try but never did.  I look at this part as not only part of my therapy but showing that part of me is in recovery.  It's wonderful to be able to enjoy doing something again - like blogging  ha ha.  I now write mild fan fictions for the KPOP community in Vingle.  I say mild because according to my daughter, what I write is nothing like smut :).  In my eyes, if you're old enough to read it, you're old enough to let me lead you and let your imagination take over.  I've started doing art - like painting or oil crayons.  I got a B out of art in 8th grade because I did so much extra credit the teacher had to give it to me.  That is the last time I was taught anything.  I go to the Paint Nite's once in a while with a good friend but mostly now I self teach, watch video's and see what comes out of my brain.  The only problem with my writing and art? I'm very impatient and rarely does anything take me more than a day to do.  I'm working on it.

Mainly I wanted to do this because I am 47 and while the age doesn't bother me, I think it bothers others.  Not others that I know, most don't know my age so now I'm telling them and you, whoever you are reading this.

Life is life.  It gives us way too much at times that I've wanted to give up and just be done.  However, it also sends little miracles and beauty to us, if we have the chance to notice it.  For everyone, some days are harder than others.  No matter who you are, what you do, or where you go, we all have a trial of some kind.  Most people just don't let others see it.  There are too many walking around with masks and blinders on.  Be kind, be safe and love everyone.  Peace.

My take on KPOP

I am all for people voicing their opinions with the exceptions of them being a racist, bigot, or uneducated. In those cases, please kindly keep your mouth closed and please don't overwork your tiny mind by voicing an opinion, no one is interested.

First I will address the fact that the Billboard Awards are global, not just American.  If you would like to exclude foreigners, please make Celine Dion give back her awards and send Justin Bieber back to Canada (just to name two).  We have all races here in America; therefore, we have all types of music. For someone to say send those KPOP boys back to Korea where they belong makes me laugh - do you realize how LONG and HARD we have worked to GET them here?!?!?  BTS (Bangtan Boys) just finished a world tour, with sold out in under an hour, concerts here in the US.  Their goal is to play the Stadiums and we their fans would welcome that, we might actually get tickets!

There are many Americans that live in South Korea and sing in KPOP groups or as solo artists.  Peniel from BTOB (Chicago), Amber from Fx & Solo (LA), Ailee from soloist (NJ), Eric Nam from soloist (GA), Johnny from NCT (Chicago), Mark from GOT7 (LA), Nichkhun from 2PM (CA), Joshua (LA) and Vernon (NY) from Seventeen, Jay Park rapper previously from 2pm (WA), Jessica and Tiffany from Girls Generation both from (CA), and I could go on.

What is KPOP?  Korean Pop Music.  Ever since PSY hit the internet with Gangnam Style back in 2012, people have started to notice what is going on in the Entertainment world in South Korea.  At last count there were around 52 Entertainment (Talent) Agencies in South Korea, it is big business there.  They start recruiting anywhere from 10 yrs old, sometimes younger.  World famous rapper, hip hop artist, leader of Big Bang; GDragon debuted when 13 yrs old in 2001.  His group Big Bang have been together for 10 yrs and have completed sold out world tours.  They hit Forbes Top 100 last year (2016) by grossing $44 Million as a group (in one year).  These men have individual careers and other interests also, they made much more than that.

Entertainment Companies recruit young and they train them in voice, instrument, acting, dancing, language (if not Korean speaking) - all the aspects of the Entertainment field.  A few lucky ones debut immediately; such as American, Benji from the group B.I.G, who studied at Julliard.  Some unfortunate ones never debut and watch their dreams fade.  Others debut but because their company is so small they never receive the recognition or play time they deserve.  There are many, many talents groups out there still waiting for their chance to show they are just as good as any other group.

Schedules for these idols, as they are called, can be hectic.  The groups starting to get recognition try to release mini-albums (at least 5 songs) once or twice a year.  Most of those groups have members that write the music & lyrics.  Along with releases come creating video's, fan meet and greets, photographs, and concerts.

The difference between buying a CD from a KPOP group and an American artist?  Most KPOP CD's run between $15 up to $125.  Why?  Each CD comes with a photo BOOK or mini posters, one or multiple laminated wallet photos, or a full size poster.  The upper costing CD's usually also include a DVD of a concert or performance.

Why do they have such big fandoms?  What makes them so popular?  They are a drug.  Seriously.  They have the best use of SMS that I have ever seen.  Without totally invading their privacy, they try to allow fans into their lives.  They post selfies, art, their pets, their food, anything and everything.  They use VAPP which allows them to start live feeds with fans worldwide where they can read comments from fans in real time and respond.  They tweet about other groups in their company and keep you posted on what is on their schedules.  By doing this they become more real, especially when you see just how dorky and human they are.  Being that it is such a competition there for fans, merchandise is big business.  Groups don't eat well when first debuting if they don't make money.  No, I'm not exaggerating.  The more you are out there, the more merchandise is purchased, the more your videos are played, the bigger your fandom becomes, the better they eat.

My side?  My daughter watched a Youtube video in 2015 about KPOP.  It had videos from EXO and Big Bang.  Hot men that can sing and dance?  Like her mother, she said Yes please and was hooked.  I was like others and skeptical at first, she showed me videos and I too was like, is that eyeliner?  Honestly?  I am so hooked on KPOP now that one of my sons best friends from high school just married a really cute Asian girl that I've met several times and I had to look at their wedding invitation really close when my daughter told me she was Asian.  I didn't notice!  I think that is a wonderful thing - to be able to see people and not notice their race just see them as people.  What did it take for me to get hooked?  The magical voice of Hyunsik from BTOB singing Moonlight in English.  I am a sucker for Frank Sinatra and I had to make her prove to me it was really Hyunsik singing.  From there I was lost.  I listen to ALL genre's of music - my father was born in the late 1920's, my mother in the 1930's and my siblings from 1950 through 1970.  The only music I wouldn't listen to was rap and now that I listen to KPOP, I listen to rap.  They have expanded my genre.

My daughter's bias group is BTS (Bangtan Boys) and mine is HISTORY who just disbanded.  We can have many bias groups and belong to many fandoms, since we live in the US.  Just some (I'm sure I'll forget some) of our favorite groups are:  BTS, HISTORY, JYJ, TVXQ, BIG BANG, 2PM, VIXX, BTOB, VICTON, B.I.G, MAMAMOO, Girls Generation, 4Minute (Disbanded), APink, CLC, MissA, GOT7, BLOCK B, Black Pink, BEAST, EXO... there are so many and their music is amazing.  They work incredibly hard, are trained in manners (besides it being their culture), and extremely talented.  They deserve praise, not criticism - especially if they are winning over other worldwide known artists that they look up to.

Just my 2 cents.

BTS (Bangtan Boys)  Top L-R  Jimin, Suga, Jungkook

Bottom L- R  V, Jin, J-Hope, Rap Monster (leader)

BTOB (Born to Beat)

Top L-R Peniel, Hyunsik, Sungjae, Eungkwang (leader), Changsub

Bottom  L-R  Illhoon, Minhyuk

BIG BANG

L-R  Seungri, GDragon (Leader), Taeyang, T.O.P., Daesung

An Empowering Vacation

I haven't blogged in forever.  Mostly because I have a Facebook page, I'm Normal for Me Not You @ImNotNormalneitherAreYou, Instagram, and have started writing and painting.

Different posts can talk about the writing and painting, this one is for my single adult with 2 teenagers trip last week.  PTSD does many things to you; for me it took a strong, independent woman and broke her.  Broke her self esteem, her independence, and created massive self doubt filled anxiety.  So many thoughts have been running through my head to say and that want to be said that I know they won't make it here.  So that I at least hit some of the points, I'll address the trip in sections: Reservations, Driving, New People, Asking for Help, Being the Adult, and Music.

Background:  My home is filled with illness but we don't know any different, its us, it is who we are.  My husband has Anxiety & Low Testosterone (if you don't think that causes problems you should look it up), my oldest son has an Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and ADHD - his wife has ADHD, anxiety and depression plus is pregnant so can't take her medication currently, my second son is very high functioning Ausbergers with depression, and my daughter has extreme social anxiety with depression.  Me?  As stated before, I have PTSD- possible CPTSD since it can be traced back to 18 mo old, with extreme anxiety and depression.  This is us, to pass us on the street or meet us at church you wouldn't know us from anyone else.  We act the same, serve the same, but do find it hard to occasionally meet all that is required of us - we say NO.  It took a long time and we still fight with ourselves about the fact that it's okay to say no.  My husband works out of state 4 1/2 days of the week; needless to say, those of us at home, are home bodies and don't do anything or go anywhere.  Before my daughter developed her anxiety, she was very social, like her mother used to be.  She hates being home day after day but it is difficult for her to be other places.  I mostly only have internet friends.  I've become close with one and decided it was time to meet her.  When I usually make decisions like that I wait and think, my gut tells me if its a bad idea.  I'd been thinking about it for a month and finally decided it was a good time.

Reservations:  I talked to my husband about making the trip and he, of course, wanted to go with us.  I thought about asking my oldest & wife but driving is not good for her for long periods of time.  They would have been other drivers which would have been nice.  I picked a weekend that my husband wasn't coming home, verified she had time off at that time and went looking online for reservations.  Empowering and a few mistakes made of course, would be how I would describe that.  I decided where I wanted to stay the first night, while there, and for the way home.  Put a wrong date in and had to change a reservation, but all in all, not bad.  How did it turn out?

Driving/Asking for Help
Lol, well.  It was supposed to be a total of a 13.5 hr trip to the Washington Coast, across from Vancouver, Canada.  The first day; I know all the roads, have driven them for over 25 yrs and it was an easy 5 hr trip to the hotel.  The hotel was great but anxiety from starting the trip had me not sleeping before so I was punch drunk by dinner time.  The teenagers told me I was no longer allowed to adult for the night and was sent to bed.  Like that worked.    The next day's 8.5 hr drive took us 11 hrs.  Unfamiliar roads, getting lost in Yakima by taking a wrong exit.  Getting lost twice in Selah by again a wrong exit and then no directions back to the freeway.  Finally on the right roads and looking for Snoqualmie Falls, stopped there, walked over to see them, took some pictures.  Lost in Seattle when I90 just ends.  It really just ends, in downtown Seattle - what the ?!?!  Let me just say this, Seattle, you are not visitor friendly AT ALL.  Multiple, continuous one way streets headed in the direction you don't want to, yeah it was fun.  I had to call my friend, thankfully she was off work, grabbed her computer and talked me through the streets of Seattle and to the Ferry.
Okay, here's one of the big things about this trip:  I don't do heights, especially heights over water, definitely not floating bridges.  Therefore, the Seattle bridges and Portland bridges were out of the picture.  We waited for the ferry, hopped on and I couldn't get the girls out of the car.  I had to make a choice, deal with the teenager anxiety over being on a boat or my extreme fear driving over the water.  I won because I still had to adult, there was no other driver.  We took the East exit not the West on Bainbridge Island but that was easy enough to correct.  Will forever be thankful for the driver ahead of us on the dark country roads that went where we did and I was able to just follow them to Sequim.

The drive home was more nerve wracking.  Our 8.5 hrs home ended up being a great 13 hour day.  I was so proud to find my way back off Bainbridge Island to the Ferry.  We had an hour wait, its a 45 min ride (so that adds 2 hrs but when the girls won't get out of the car? long day).  The exit to I90 and I5 road was closed.  Again, Seattle, detour signs would have been GREAT!  Lost in Seattle for a bit but followed a few cars that seemed to know where they were going, second guessed myself once, circled the block twice and found the exit.  On I5 feeling great, thinking YAY this is going great, so proud and notice I can't find an exit for I90.  We stay on I5 and it heads to Olympia, beautiful capital building by the way.  However, Olympia will take us to Portland...I steel myself and think, can I do the bridge?  I've almost convinced myself when I remember that the bridge has different exits and I am not familiar with what lanes to be in and it is always jammed with traffic.  I suddenly am not sure I can so I look for how to get to an I90 or just a road to lead me back to Yakima and the way we came up.  I find a road to Yakima - it will take us an extra hour and a half.  I apologize to the girls and we set off again.  Well....I didn't look at WHERE the road was going to take us.  We drove back on I12 which took us through Mt Rainier National Park.  It is absolutely beautiful by the way.  For the majority of the trip through there I had relaxed, was enjoying it and feeling good again.  I was thanking God for keeping us safe, helping us find the roads, and leading us through beautiful scenery we never would have seen otherwise.  And then, it took us up and OVER the mountain - AHHH - I hate mountain roads, just saying.  We got through that, we continued down the road through farmland - nothing around but still prettier than the blankness of Idaho.  (sorry Idaho)  As it started getting dark, I had the girls switch places so they could help read the road signs for me.  I can't read the road signs from far away in the dark, I needed to pull over and put on my glasses.  Before I could do that though, we drove up another mountain on a road I didn't know and over a freaking floating bridge!  My nerves and the girls were SHOT.  I was DONE.  But I still had three hours until the hotel.  We stopped, changed my glasses, got snacks and thankfully the final three hours were back on roads I was familiar with.

Being the Adult
One thing I've noticed about being unmistakably sick for the past 10 yrs is that often, you just don't have a choice.  People don't understand a lot about it so let me try to explain.  I was raised by a Lt. Col. in the Army who had been a Green Beret.  The word NO was not in our language, can't wasn't allowed, you simply didn't try hard enough - anything is possible if you keep trying.  Don't get me wrong, these aren't my problems, I am very GRATEFUL for my dad teaching me these things or I would never have gotten married, never had kids, never forced myself to move past my fear and done anything in my life.  That is part of what makes PTSD such a pain for me.  I wasn't raised to be sick - I was raised to be self sufficient, independent, a go getter, a do gooder, a strong woman - even though being one is the source of much of past ridicule.  For me to want to do something and my body say no?  Annoys the hell out of me.  So many things I had to miss with my family because my body just wouldn't let me.  That brings on its own set of guilty feelings for not being a good enough parent, blah blah you get the cycle right?  So, I don't know how to relax.  It's a control issue, I HAVE to get things done, I NEED to push myself to complete it or it won't ever be accomplished - which means my body is forced to use up valuable energy it needs for sleep - to actually get things done and be the responsible adult with teenage children at home and myself being the only driver.  Do I blame my husband for having a job out of town and making me be the adult?  NO.  He loves his job, has wanted to do it forever and honestly, with all the illnesses running around the house, its nice to have limited ones around for short periods, it helps.  I blame myself and my illness for not letting me be all that I could be.  Okay, I can hear it, you are being everything you CAN be at this time of your life, accept it, just keep going.  True.  However, it doesn't prevent me from longing for the woman I used to be that could do 4 things at once, multiple times a day.  I will admit that there are advantages to each part of life... things back then and things now that are what they need to be.

Meeting a New Friend
I lucked out.  Most people when heading to meet an internet friend wouldn't handle it as casually as I did.  She wasn't the problem with this trip, she was a great blessing and when we met it was like we'd known each other forever and were simply meeting up for a get together.  Those kind of people are few and far between - hold on to them.

TRIP in General
My trip was what I thought it would be... insightful, fun, and empowering.  I needed to prove to myself that I still had a love of driving and I do.  That I can still do things independently of my husband and just for myself and my kids if I need to, away from home.  That I can still overcome obstacles that are placed before me and triumph.  The girls both have anxiety and depression and started their cycles while on vacation due to the altitude changes - so they were extra hormonal as well.  They did great meeting Erin and Erin, bless her heart, treated them as if they were her nieces.  We all fan girled over our KPOP idols, watched and shared favorite video's, painted, and went exploring together.  We went to the rocky Washington coast beach and waved at Vancouver, Canada.  We went to the Olympic Game Preserve and drove around, petting and feeding animals, setting off the wolves - it was great.  Then she drove us up to the Olympic State Park up the mountain and we looked out over the beauty that is part of Washington.  All in all it was a trip well worth the time and effort.

MUSIC
How did I survive the drive?  About four months or so ago I found a South Korean Idol (Artist) who I absolutely adore.  He does it all, acting, singing, musicals, business man.  He has fought hard for his fame and fortune, still has set backs due to previous events but yet he still succeeds and reaches continually to make himself better.  When I started translating his songs into English, I fell in love with many lyrics.  Lyrics in relation to overcoming, showing them they can't keep you down - survival songs - songs many of us relate to.  It helps that this man is an older KPOP Idol (for Korean anyway - he's 30) because he has the experiences he does, he is sort of a role model for me.  Not an idol idol - I don't worship him, I admire him and I thank him.  He has a honey voice that for some reason, after a life time of trying to shut up the negative in my head, his music does.  You know how you find something good that makes you feel better and you just want to share it with everyone?  Well, he is that and I apologize to those that are tired of hearing about him lol.  I had all of his CD's with me and another group - the girls had their Spotify KPOP playlists.  But when I needed help?  We put in Xia Junsu's CD's and without fail within 15 minutes I was calmer, the you can't keep going was gone and within 30 minutes I was singing along.  That to me is AMAZING and such an immense blessing in my life, it's a miracle to me actually.  Better yet?  By the end of the 2nd night when my daughter had had her 2nd panic attack in the car, I had his CD playing and by the third song I hear, "If I ever meet XIA I'm going to tell him he's magical."  I almost started crying but that doesn't work for driving in the dark with contacts ha ha.  I simply said a thank you prayer for my blessing being able to bless and help my daughter.  By the end of the trip we totalled that we had listened to Xia  for a total of about 8 hours of our driving time - there and back.  The last night, I kid you not, his XIGNATURE CD was on repeat for 4 hrs straight.  I think my car was a little stressed.  =]  I turned to the girls and told them they could put in a different CD of his, as long as it was him but they said no - he was good.  By the time we reached home, both have now downloaded and added the Xignature album to their playlists.  I don't know what I did to deserve to find the peace his voice brings but I will never, EVER deny it or what a gift it is for me and my family.

The result of this fabulous, stressful 6 day trip?  Well, I've crashed for the past week in different ways.  Was it worth it?  DEFINITELY.  Would I do it again?  Absolutely.  However, I think I'll place the hotels further apart so the drive is broken up better and make sure that I know how to get on I90 NOT I5 out of Seattle.

Life is interesting, Love is hard, but in the end, all of its worth it.  Gris

What is Trauma?

I woke up, for the second time this morning, with dialog for this running through my head.  Okay, that is what we will discuss. 

PTSD and CPTSD (Complex) are different for everyone.  I cannot stress that or say that enough. Yes, the military men and women come back with obvious trauma that ignites PTSD, they come back with not visible trauma that ignites PTSD.  Many can have the same incident that set off the PTSD for all of them or it is simply piggy backing on something traumatic that person has already faced and now they are worse.  Complex PTSD usually happens in childhood, many of its recipients have been abused; either physically, mentally, or emotionally.  CPTSD can take years to show up, some of those that suffer from it have buried it or have a type of amnesia in regards to their trauma.

The first thing when anyone hears I have PTSD, they always ask me, "from what?!" or "what are your triggers?".  The person I once was, was a really good actress.  I took drama in High School, took region one year; little did the teachers, the judges, or myself know that everything I did each day was a performance of an award winning variety.  I knew I was depressed in High School, I knew it in Middle School, and when I was a Senior and I needed a community project for Sterling Scholar, I tried to start T.A.F.F.E.O..  Ha, yes I know it probably didn't get off the ground simply because of the name. :)  Teenagers of America Fighting For Each Other.  I went to drug and alcohol seminars on weekends, I did confidential surveys of my school mates.  I only have about three memories left from that time and one is a question that was asked; "What would you know of Anxiety or Depression?".  It was asked by a neighbor that I had lived by for 10 years.  He felt, as they all did since it was a small town, that he knew me.  My reply was simple; "Don't judge a book by its cover" and I walked away.

Trauma, what a scary thing.  Those that don't have it are scared of it, and those that do, know exactly how scary it is.  What do you do when you are scared of something?  One of two things, you will either 1.  learn everything there is because knowledge is power, or 2.  you will hide from it, make fun of it, blame it and ridicule it due to non-understanding.  I understand why people ask me "from what?!?!".  However, they need to understand that  IT. IS. TRAUMA.  It is bad enough that my brain cannot process it fully while awake, that my subconscious tries all night, most nights.  Why would I want to give words to that and trigger myself?  You are asking to either understand it better or to be able to say to yourself, "pfft, that's not trauma, you just ant attention" and either way, you feel better, walk off and forget it.  I'm sorry, it may seem short or rude but my trauma is not yours to judge and I will not place myself deliberately back in a state of mind/place just so that you can feel better about it or judge me.

PTSD/CPTSD takes a lot of courage and strength.  Two things you really don't feel like you possess while fighting the demons of it.  If you have memories that you've blocked or have slight amnesia with, you really don't understand what is going on and it makes it more terrifying.  Sometimes it ratchets the anxiety part up beyond being able to function as a normal person.  These take a lot of soul searching, in the places of your soul and mind where, literally, demons live.  Facing those, hopefully with help or alone, takes an amazing amount of self respect and acceptance.  What you face and see in there usually isn't something you want to admit to yourself you are or could be.  Acknowledging pain and learning the why's, what for's, and where to have it live "healthy" in you is an amazing feat that sometimes takes years.

The thought process that we can just "get over it", "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps", "you must be doing therapy wrong" if it isn't fixed within a short amount of time;  are all horribly wrong.  I am an Army Brat, I was raised to get over it, pull myself, try harder if it didn't happen immediately.  I don't blame my dad for his ways, it is what he was taught and what he knew.  He survived two wars and was a green beret, I never understood a lot of what he did or said, until I got PTSD myself.  He served three tours in 'Nam, once honorably released, he would never mention anything military related again.  One small glimpse of the hell those men went through in "Nam was the Hollywood movie Green Berets.  My father used to watch movies to criticize, wrong sound track, blah blah lol.  He never said a word during that movie, he and I watched it together, no one else.  I looked at him and his only response was, "Yes, that's really close to the truth". 

I just saw one of those meme's that stated:  "Every test in your life makes you bitter or better, every problem makes you or breaks you, it is up to you whether you become victor or victim".  Can I express how much anger that fills me with?  Yes, I understand that everything that has happened to me has been a test, I understand that I am not pulling A's, but they aren't your problems or your tests.  You don't live inside my body or have my experiences to judge by, you don't get to say whether I tried my hardest to be a victor but ended up a victim.  I understand these meme's, I really do.  There are a set of people out there that can seriously not handle what they call "downers".  People who are depressed, anxious, have a negative sense of humor, bring them down and they can't handle it.  I worked with someone this way and my point of view now says she is slightly delusional and egotistical but I understand that she has a problem also.  Everyone does.  No one makes it through this life unscathed.  Some can truly "fake it til they make it" or they forget, while others have placed themselves in a bubble and require that all around them respect it and change themselves to help them.  That was this co-worker.  She pulled my employee in, made her cry, as she explained that she was too negative and needed to shape up and fix it or it would be her job.  When I went to her boss to get a reason and declare that it was not her call, all I received in explanation was that "she has a hard time being around negative people, I agree it is difficult".  Now days that would be considered harrassment.  My employee was not a negative Nelly where everything was doom and gloom and thunderstorms - I have a sister that way, that was not my employee.  My employee was simply a glass half empty and she cracked jokes about.  Each dealt with their own pain, the first by not allowing anyone around her to remind her of negativity and the second by laughing.  You get to a point where you either laugh or cry, she made everyone else in the company besides the first employee  and her boss, laugh.

If my pain, stress, and anxiety through my life has led me to anything, it is to acknowledge that pain exists and it exists on a different level for everyone.  Your level of pain is not mine, your experiences (even if the EVENT was shared) are not mine, and your processing and recovery time have nothing to do with me and mine.  Why do we judge?  Are we hurting so much and covering it up that we HAVE to make someone else feel smaller and therefore justify ourselves?  What happened to love, charity, hope, and above all else, patience and understanding? 

Wow... amazement.

I realize that when you don't get sleep for extended periods of time, like consistently for over 2 yrs that you start to lose memory.  I came back to the blogging world, thinking to pick back up on my regular family blog, adding some of the PTSD to that.  However, when I had reset my password (yep forgot that) I realized in shock that I had a PTSD blog that I had quit and restarted multiple times but that I no longer knew existed.  The last long in around December of 2013 was when I was down to the wire to get my oldest son ready to serve a 2 yr LDS mission.  It was traumatic for me, I will do a totally different post in relation to that at another time.  Needless to say, I had 2 months to get him ready to leave for 2 yrs with little means and little time.  Many wonderful things occurred, and my blog, seems it slipped my mind completely and never came back.  Things like this always make me wonder what else I have forgotten in my life and whether it was important or not.

Depression

Last night my depression slump suddenly "disappeared".  So glad!  It wasn't anything earth shattering of sudden moments of exquisite joy but rather a thought of something to do.  Yes, it is that simple.

With that said, many people would hold to their belief  that depression is something you can just "get over", "if you'd get up and do something you wouldn't be depressed", or the ever popular "you obviously just want to be this way, you could change if you wanted to".  I've heard all three my whole life.  Yes, my WHOLE life since I've had bouts of depression since I think 12.  There are a few years of childhood I don't remember, I'm not sure if there is a real reason for that or if it is simply that nothing magnanimous happened during those years so why bother.  I also say 12 for that is when I started my menstruation.  My hormones have been a veritable mess since.  I didn't know any better so I never mentioned any of it until I went to see an OB/GYN before I got married.  You see I started at 12 and than it suddenly wasn't there anymore.  I honestly didn't think about it - I just went back to the way I was and was happy not to worry or plan.  It came back when I was in 8th grade - so when I was 13, almost 14 and it came back with a VENGEANCE.  From then on and until I went on the pill at 21 I was constantly irregular, lucky if it showed up each month - made it very frustrating.  I was regular -for me, meaning I at least had one every month but no, not when the pills dictated.  Than after 3 yrs, my body would totally start to ignore the pills and I was back to having a cycle when it wanted. 

Why the lengthy "cycle" chat?  To give a little bit of background.  Granted men don't have "cycles" but I'm the mother of two teenage boys and you cannot tell me that their hormones don't go whacky just like a females, I believe it has simply never been explored - it always has another name, a "mood", an "episode", or "anger". 

Depression is no respecter of people.  It doesn't care if you are male or female, in shape or jiggly, tall or short; hair color, eye color, race or nationality - it doesn't care.  I read something once that told me that if I was "depressed" that I had obviously "sinned" and needed to repent and ask for forgiveness and than the Lord's blessings would lift the depression from me.  For years I searched for "what" I had done to sin against God.  I have little flaws, giant flaws, small sins but none that I ever would consider worthy of being "punished" by God until I asked for forgiveness.  I definitely can buy that guilt can be a depression catalyst, no doubt about it.  However, to lump all depression in with that is wrong.  Sometimes depression just is.

I take medication for my depression, for anxiety; I had both before I had PTSD but no where near the level they reached with my PTSD.  I always tried what everyone else told me, what my father taught me, I "picked myself up by my bootstraps" and carried on.  In other words, I ignored it and it didn't go away.  It built, it festered, it grew and one day I woke up and thought I had lost my freaking mind.  I couldn't handle ANYTHING, which for a control freak, recovering perfectionist - is like a death sentence.  I suddenly had no control over my life, my emotions (they came whether I took medication or not, whether I wanted them to or not), it felt like I literally could not even control my household or my kids.  Medication is okay people, for short term.  Seeking alternative medicine to help is okay.  Acknowledging that there is something wrong with you that you can no longer control, is necessary. 

It is my belief that anyone who tells you they've been depressed and they simply "got over it" by positive thinking, etc, they were never truly depressed.  Sad maybe, grieving, disappointed even but not depressed.  Because depression is chemical.  Depression is the result of something in your brain not firing correctly or not being received and it is capitulated by bad self talk, bad self esteem, unworthy and unholy thoughts.  Because society has led us to believe that if we are depressed, we are bad.  We must deserve it, we must have done something wrong, we must be being punished by God for sin.  I'm sorry, the God I believe in loves me and doesn't want me to be in pain.  I have felt his arms around me in moments of deepest grief when no one else cared to even try to comfort me.  I am not being punished, is this a trial?  Most definitely.  Will it end?  I'm hopeful.  See?  Today I have hope whereas yesterday I didn't care.  I wasn't being lazy, I seriously had no energy, no motivation, no ...nothing, I was depressed.  Why?  It didn't have a name this round, it simply came and stayed for about a week and I am grateful that for today at least, it packed up and took a vacation.  It might be a mini vacation, or it might be an extended - I'm kind of hoping it's extended you see there are things I want to do, want to accomplish, need to finish.  Those thoughts and feelings don't leave when you are depressed, the fact that you can't do them, can't really do anything simply makes you feel worse but you still know that "you" are inside.

I have had to learn and I am now 43 - so it has taken 30 years for me to fully accept my depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  For me to get upset when people look down on me for not being "happy" all the time.  I've realized that it isn't about me, it's about THEM.  They need to have happy people around them because they don't have the fortitude to keep themselves happy "all the time" and its easier when others are around.  They are the ones that believe it is "bad" to have depression when in fact, I have to wonder if it isn't something they struggle and fight to avoid.  You often criticize that in others which you don't like in yourself.  Remember that, accept that, and let them continue to fight away from you because you don't need their poison adding to the self hate you already have.  

Be happy for the good days - acknowledge them, embrace them, and get all that you can accomplished when they show up.  Than be gentle with yourself when the depression hits, because more often than not, there is nothing you can do about it but gather those you love around you and ride it out.

Paix

Good Reading

All three of these books are Kindle Editions and I figured out how to share them if you have a Kindle or Cloud account!  So let me know! :)

Long Time Coming by Edie Claire

I downloaded this one for free and than let sit there.  Interesting how we do that isn't it?  The story takes place when a daughter returns home to help ailing parents.  Home to where she must face her fears, her slight PTSD, and the truth.  Reconnecting with old friends, ghosts (literally) from her past, and even a crotchedy old man, all help her to overcome, accept, and move on to fulfill the life that she should have always had.

That is a really small, short synopsis of a really well written book.  It doesn't delve deeply into the anxiety, depression, or PTSD but it touches on them, some symptoms, so that if you live it day in and out, you will recognize and associate with it.  It moves you through the process of dealing with memories, nightmares, and how the main character deals with these problems, even through the living of day to day life.  It has romance, a little suspense, a little bit of supernatural, and a great ending.

Kiss of Fire by Rebecca Ethington

This looked like a romance novel to me so I downloaded it and was VERY pleasantly surprised!  In fact, I have decided I will let Olivia read it, anytime she wants.  This is the story of a beautiful girl, marked at the age of 5.  This mark or scar has driven her entire life.  Her parents divorced over it, she hides it from everyone and therefore, hides herself.  The book is set in her Junior yr in High School where she learns what the mark is, that there are others like her, that it isn't something to be ashamed of, that it isn't "bad" to want to look or allow yourself to be beautiful.

There is some great humor in this book, plus I was right, a little love story.  Yet it is a teenage, real teenage, love story between two that have been friends for 12 yrs.  It is a story of acceptance of others and of yourself.  It tells of how to be different, yet acknowledge that it is a good thing, and that you shouldn't allow anyone to bully you.

A Different Blue  by Amy Harmon

I grew up with Amy's big sister and know Amy from doing a weeks teaching course in her 8th grade Advanced English class when I was a Senior in High School.  Amy is BEYOND talented in so many ways and I am very fortunate to be able to not just know her but to reap the benefit of her talents.  As I've mentioned, there is nothing more fun than touting someone's name far and wide, especially when they are a good, normal person and deserve it.  I've heard about this book for months, I've OWNED this book on my kindle for MONTHS and finally decided it was time to read it.  Can you say, "Shoulda had a V-8" thunk moment?  I absolutely loved Blue.

Blue is a wonderful in-depth character who is the product of her life.  She believes her life is fated from the childhood she received and that she is unworthy of love because of it.  Due to a mentor/ teacher who takes the time to understand, listen, and assist; she begins to realize who she really is and what she can accomplish with her life.  She finds God and his atonement, she takes responsibility for her mistakes and consequences and discovers that her life really wasn't what the "child" in her envisioned it to be.  It was however, a beautiful gift, that allows her to be a different Blue.