This is me, I added a filter to the bottom because the light in my house was making my face all red.
For the first 3 to 4 yrs I didn't sleep, hence the permanent dark circles. I would average about 15 hrs in a week, then my body would just 'crash'. That's when your body has to sleep or you die. It is the weirdest feeling to have your body just collapse and sleep without dreams and when you wake you can't move... you feel like your paralyzed. Nothing helped my insomnia, pills and herbal remedies just left my body exhausted and me crying, bumping into furniture in absolute exhaustion. I found out that I had no energy, that sleep requires energy, so that your body can rebuild during the night. I often, still, have to pick whether I do one thing only (depending the size of it) or a few small things during one day so that I have enough energy to sleep that night. People call it the Spoonie effect - it's a real thing, I'm here to testify. The spoonie effect is that you have, say 10 spoons per day. For most people, the energy they expend getting dressed, eating breakfast, showering, etc may only take 1 spoon... for others, it may take 2 or 3. Work is 1, anything causing extra stress is 1, so for me, grocery shopping on some days takes 2 spoons. The goal is to have a spoon left over in which to sleep and not have to borrow from your spoons for tomorrow.
I became a recluse for many years. I couldn't drive over a mile away from my house or I went into total panic attack. The only times I did were to either therapy or when work called a meeting - thankfully I worked from home. It's hard to explain what having an anti-social disorder does to someone who was once very social. You reach out for any other type of social interaction you can without leaving your comfort zone. My outreach was computer gaming, playing an MMORP called Puzzle Pirates. It was easy to make friends and I quickly found out, most that played also had disorders. Extremely shy, agoraphobia, etc. However, when you get a group of mental disorders in game, there is always drama, someone's feelings are always hurt - so yep, just like real life. When I would rather play than work, I talked with my therapist about it. I moved my computer into where my family was so that I was at least in the same room with them. I rewarded myself with playing after work was finished. Thankfully, after a few years, I left the game. My husband always knows my stress is beyond bad if I've downloaded the game again and have started playing. My friends have all stopped playing and I have no interest in making new ones so I mostly just puzzle by myself, it's a comfort.
As I mentioned, I hate pictures of myself - always have, more so now that I've been the same weight for the past 10 yrs, it just shifts. I overcome a stress related to my PTSD and I drop 10 lbs, another shows up and it comes right back. If I had energy, I would love to dance and walk it off; unfortunately, I have very little of that. For years people have told me it comes back the more you do it and it does; now that I actually have some energy for more than 1 thing a day, I've been trying to go on walks with my daughter. So far I can make a loop around my neighborhood - one loop but it's more than I've been able to do in years and I'll take it.
I've started doing things I used to love and things I always wanted to try but never did. I look at this part as not only part of my therapy but showing that part of me is in recovery. It's wonderful to be able to enjoy doing something again - like blogging ha ha. I now write mild fan fictions for the KPOP community in Vingle. I say mild because according to my daughter, what I write is nothing like smut :). In my eyes, if you're old enough to read it, you're old enough to let me lead you and let your imagination take over. I've started doing art - like painting or oil crayons. I got a B out of art in 8th grade because I did so much extra credit the teacher had to give it to me. That is the last time I was taught anything. I go to the Paint Nite's once in a while with a good friend but mostly now I self teach, watch video's and see what comes out of my brain. The only problem with my writing and art? I'm very impatient and rarely does anything take me more than a day to do. I'm working on it.
Mainly I wanted to do this because I am 47 and while the age doesn't bother me, I think it bothers others. Not others that I know, most don't know my age so now I'm telling them and you, whoever you are reading this.
Life is life. It gives us way too much at times that I've wanted to give up and just be done. However, it also sends little miracles and beauty to us, if we have the chance to notice it. For everyone, some days are harder than others. No matter who you are, what you do, or where you go, we all have a trial of some kind. Most people just don't let others see it. There are too many walking around with masks and blinders on. Be kind, be safe and love everyone. Peace.
