The old adage of "what kills you makes you stronger" is about to kill me. It isn't making me stronger, it's making me weaker, depressed, and just at a loss.
I do have blessings. I just received a shut-off notice for my water from the city for $80.80 and had $126 in my account for the rest of the month. So, that's a blessing that I had it there to pay; however, it was supposed to go for my son to see the Dr and get his meds changed - I don't have a copay so that's $110. Thankfully he isn't ill and can wait so I guess that's a blessing also.
The things people don't see behind closed doors.
My estranged husband took a job across the country that pays him 1/3 of what he was making and it isn't enough to support two households. Therefore there is a $2000 deficit in the budget that he says I have to make up. I haven't worked a full-time job since my kids were born 25 yrs ago. I've worked 75% but not full time. He went to college, I didn't, I don't have a degree behind me. Due to this budget deficit, he is no longer sending any amount of money home for support at all. He pays the bills he can. I watch my 3 yr old grandson every day so that his parents can work, I have since he was born. It is a 10 hr day... I'm trying to find work I can do from home, while he is napping or once he has left for the day... I found one thing but am having a difficult time doing it. I thought it would be a solution, I'm still praying for that. His mom and dad supply me with what he needs and fill my gas tank when they can as I pick him up and drop him off 3 days a week, they live in a town 20 min south and work further south - dropping him off adds an extra hour and doesn't make sense to me.
I have a traumatized 22 yr old son who tries but is having a hard time - he's the one who needs new meds. I have a 19 yr old daughter with a LOT of health problems that I take care of also. Oh yeah, I have PTSD, huh, forgot about me for a minute. This isn't a pity me post, this is a reality post of why my life is trying to bury me six feet under.
I feel like the world's worst friend. One of my online besties (how I met her, she and I have met in real life multiple times now) mom died on my daughter's birthday. I don't have money to send flowers to the funeral, let alone drive to Saint George, where they are burying her, to offer my support. What a good friend am I.
I'm worried and my kids are worried that me having a job is going to be too much for me. It will be but I am not being given a choice. My kids are my life and I need to provide for and take care of them. No matter my illness, I will do what needs to be done because that's how I was raised. I don't know if that makes me strong or stupid.
I've started going back to church but now my issue is going to be, am I going to be crashing on Sunday's again and unable to get out of bed? I can't control crashes and I have to be available for my grandson and kids and a job, I guess. Something has to give - I just don't understand why. Why does it have to?
Pray for me.
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
So Many Things
So many things going on right now and moving around. The only thing you can count on in life is change.
First off because I will forget it... my new saying I'm trying to put me in a better place not a bitter place.
"I choose to believe that he is doing the best he can, whether it is true or not."
I can trust the process of life and I deserve to be loved for me.
Alright, those being done, I'll move on, because that is all what life is about these days. Moving on, moving forward, and becoming who I want to be and deserve to be.
I have started I don't know how many books - writing them that is - and there they sit. Ugh.. I wrote another section on my writing blog with the Progression series (PG Fan Fiction rofl) and I'm thinking now that I should probably group my stories for the Mystery Men first. I have those all written, I simply need to do MAJOR EDITING and then place them together. I've started the battle scene for the fantasy one but have figured out it is difficult to write battle when I've never really experienced it - my imagination only goes so far. I think I'll have to reach out to a few military buddies and see if they can share some things with me without triggering them. I have the forward written on the main project ... I'll just share the name... "Positive Bullcrap" rofl. Even when feeling that way I was having a hard time figuring out how to make it all fit together, so here is to hoping that I can do that within a short amount of time. I have PTSD author friends who are going to read it for me before I decide whether to share it with the world - so fingers crossed!
My son got my desktop computer up and running - SO THANKFUL! It is nice to be able to sit here and type and 1. be able to SEE 2. actually feel like I'm writing and not worrying about my laptop falling on the floor and 3. have my KPOP playing forth from the speakers!! WOO!
Now that this system is up and going I need to work a little more on the room I'm in so that the clutter and mess behind me doesn't stress me out and so that my grandbaby can come down here with me on and off during the day and he can play or watch some video's while I type. I am searching for an online job that I can do remotely, sort of like I've done for the past 22 years. For 3 years of my 25 working from home, I worked out of my sister's home and it felt like home so I really should count it as such I suppose.
I am rearranging my budget, doing away with things not needed, cleaning spaces and organizing my life again. It feels good.
I trust the process of life and that I deserve to be loved for being myself, because I am amazing.
Maybe if I keep saying these I'll believe them. Lol. I'm kind of excited to get my house to my liking, I have to be patient for money to do so ... ahh, always some delay.
I went to see my reflexologist today and she helped my body do amazing things. I really hope this feeling lasts longer than just tonight, that would be incredible. I think I shall pray for that, sounds like something worthy to pray for. ;)
Paix
First off because I will forget it... my new saying I'm trying to put me in a better place not a bitter place.
"I choose to believe that he is doing the best he can, whether it is true or not."
I can trust the process of life and I deserve to be loved for me.
Alright, those being done, I'll move on, because that is all what life is about these days. Moving on, moving forward, and becoming who I want to be and deserve to be.
I have started I don't know how many books - writing them that is - and there they sit. Ugh.. I wrote another section on my writing blog with the Progression series (PG Fan Fiction rofl) and I'm thinking now that I should probably group my stories for the Mystery Men first. I have those all written, I simply need to do MAJOR EDITING and then place them together. I've started the battle scene for the fantasy one but have figured out it is difficult to write battle when I've never really experienced it - my imagination only goes so far. I think I'll have to reach out to a few military buddies and see if they can share some things with me without triggering them. I have the forward written on the main project ... I'll just share the name... "Positive Bullcrap" rofl. Even when feeling that way I was having a hard time figuring out how to make it all fit together, so here is to hoping that I can do that within a short amount of time. I have PTSD author friends who are going to read it for me before I decide whether to share it with the world - so fingers crossed!
My son got my desktop computer up and running - SO THANKFUL! It is nice to be able to sit here and type and 1. be able to SEE 2. actually feel like I'm writing and not worrying about my laptop falling on the floor and 3. have my KPOP playing forth from the speakers!! WOO!
Now that this system is up and going I need to work a little more on the room I'm in so that the clutter and mess behind me doesn't stress me out and so that my grandbaby can come down here with me on and off during the day and he can play or watch some video's while I type. I am searching for an online job that I can do remotely, sort of like I've done for the past 22 years. For 3 years of my 25 working from home, I worked out of my sister's home and it felt like home so I really should count it as such I suppose.
I am rearranging my budget, doing away with things not needed, cleaning spaces and organizing my life again. It feels good.
I trust the process of life and that I deserve to be loved for being myself, because I am amazing.
Maybe if I keep saying these I'll believe them. Lol. I'm kind of excited to get my house to my liking, I have to be patient for money to do so ... ahh, always some delay.
I went to see my reflexologist today and she helped my body do amazing things. I really hope this feeling lasts longer than just tonight, that would be incredible. I think I shall pray for that, sounds like something worthy to pray for. ;)
Paix
Thursday, May 2, 2019
KTMF 2019
Day 1 - Thursday
We left around 4 pm and got stuck in rush hour in Salt Lake. I didn't remember it being that bad but it took us 1 hr to get from 33rd to point of the mountain... 1 HOUR - that's ridiculous. We headed to one of my big brother's homes in Orem and yes, I took the wrong exit... turned around... went down a wrong street (one over too many) so first day of the trip 2 wrong turns..not bad in my book. :) It was nice to visit with John and Mikey, drop off the books of my dad's that he wanted. Hearing more about my marital situation and knowing that Liv and I were driving alone, he walked us to the car and told me to pop the hood. :) I miss that. The manners my dad taught my brothers and the example he left them of how to care for a woman. He confirmed I needed more oil, which I had guessed, and sent us on our way. Yes, I do know how to check my oil and had intended to do so at the next gas stop - it just touched me that he would think to do that for me. I'm sure at 63 he didn't think he'd be looking after his 49 yr old little sister.
We stopped in Spanish Fork, heading towards old stomping grounds, filled up with gas, oil and diet coke with peach flavoring. We arrived in St George around 11 pm and had a great night in a new hotel. We stayed in the Tru Hotel, one of the lines from Hilton.
Day 2 - Friday
Check out was at noon but we were good and were gone by 11 am. We are sleeping creatures lol. The trip to LA was shorter than I remember, I think that happens when you are the one driving.
We hit a bit of rush hour but the delay was mostly on the opposite side of the freeway, the slow down to random 40 mph every now and then - a BONUS! Didn't get lost at ALL on Friday. Google took us up by the graveyard and past the Warner Brothers Movie Lot on our way to our Hilton Garden Hotel 3 blocks from the Hollywood Bowl. Having her dad fund our trip was a plus, as he is a Diamond member with Hilton and receives perks like free water, discounted parking, and free breakfasts at the restaurant.
We had dinner at the restaurant that night, deciding to have sit down, real food lol. The steak was down as requested and delicious, Olivia ate 1/2 her burger, and we finished ALL of the steak fries with bacon and bleu cheese appetizer .... soooooooo good. The beds were a little harder of mattresses with fluffy flat pillows. Olivia went to get the extra ones from the closet, opened the bag and proclaimed that someone had farted in the bag and zipped it up. LMAO. We didn't use them.
Day 3 - Saturday - FESTIVAL
We slept in and missed free breakfast but had a couple of doughnuts from our goodie bag. We headed to the festival around 3 so we could hit the booths outside.
This year the regular ones were there but required different things which was nice. Korean Air and Delta Air have teamed up to fly internationally - super excited about that. I'm all restocked on my reusable ( nonplastic ) tote bags. I now have 4 tiny Korean flags lol, I won 10 facial masks, got some vitamin samples and lighted foam sticks to use during the concert.
I heard many fans comment on the line up that they weren't getting tickets because even though Super Junior and Taemin were coming, the tickets weren't worth it. I admit that I was skeptical at the line up but they all did a great job and it was very enjoyable.
The MC is from a variety show that we watch, he was funny and he was the first act. All Asian idols are trained as singer/dancer/actor/models so that they can perform anywhere. He sang & danced, has a good voice! He was a total fan boy with one of the artists and I'll mention that at that artist. His name is Kim Yeong-cheol and he came out for the first half in a bright green suit with orange inside the coat and orange socks to match!
I really need a better camera on my phone or just to take a good camera with me period.
Lovelyz, a girl group I'm not familiar with except one song was next. They remind me of Twice but slower and with less members. The female MC is a member of this group. The did a good job, were very cute, had on great outfits.
There were several solo artists:
Ha Sung-woon from the group Winner was there as a solo artist. You could tell he was nervous but he did amazing - I don't expect anything less from idols, they work too hard. He was really cute and STORY TIME.
Early that afternoon when Liv and I were lazing around eating our doughnuts, I opened the black out curtains to look out at the street and weather. While car watching (no one really on the sidewalks) I noticed a guy looking very "touristy". He had his phone out and up, like he was filming and chatting while doing so. When the sirens blared (on and off all night - gotta love LA!) he turned to find them with his phone, kept going forward then back. I mentioned what I thought so Liv came to see and give her opinion. We both decided he looked like an idol but too young for Super Junior - only one other solo artist but probably not - there was no security, he was all alone, no face mask or hat. Before we closed the blinds he passed the hotel across the street where two Korean women were just heading out. They noticed him, gasped (hand over mouth and everything), phones up and followed him. He had quickly turned away upon seeing them and increased his pace. When Sung-woon came out on stage, his hair had indeed been dyed that color and we confirmed it was him wondering around - ALONE. A few blocks down is not the best of neighborhoods so we wondered where he was coming from and rather perplexed as to who let him out alone to wander the streets of LA.
There were two trot singers, both well known in Korea and in their late 60's. As Asians, yep they still look great, still have energy and sounded amazing. Liv and I loved Choi Jin-hee's dress and Tae Jin-ah made Olivia's day by coming onto the stage in a BRIGHT yellow suit, coat and hat! He even made security unhappy by walking into the audience and greeting fans. :D
Jung Eun-Ji from APink (they came 3 yrs ago when we were there) came as a solo artist. They sound great as a group but when they can show that they really can sing and sing extremely well on their own? It makes my heart happy.
Kim Bum-soo, he name sounded really familiar so I looked him up. I didn't recognize him but apparently he's been in the business for 20 yrs and is only a few years younger than me. He is one of the top singers in Korea and the place went WILD for him. This venue and event is mostly rich, older Asians or rich Asians and their kids. Fans of the kpop groups or idols who come fill up other seats. He jumped off the stage, held a baby, greeted fans and even did an ENCORE. I've never seen an encore at the festival. He came back from another entrance, through the crowd, the spotlight, the MC's, no one but those he was singing by could find him until the chorus.
Remember I said the MC was a HUGE fanboy? He is, of Kim Bum-soo. He admitted it to all of us and he showed it - so cute. He would sneak back on stage to film a song or take pictures. He would come out and do the hand clapping along - it was fun to see a star be another star's fan.
Two Korean Opera Singers CAME! A tenor and a soprano: Choi Won-hyun and Kang Hae-jung. I was raised on Opera, I was trained to sing Opera, I love Opera with all my heart and soul; therefore, I am PICKING about my opera singers and these two did NOT disappoint. Such clear beautiful notes, no sliding to notes, no breathiness - ahhhhh - it was heaven and I had bliss for 4 magical songs. The guys behind us were critical at first until the tenor hit his notes and they noticed me filming each song. That's right fools, idols hit great notes but opera singers hit stronger, longer ones.
6 Band came again, they were there last year but as Rose Motel. Rose Motel disbanded but the two guys that started it stayed and just renamed the group. Again, the guys behind us were critical because yeah, one of the dudes looks old and funny but they sound great, are an actual band and the funny looking guy? He knows how to get a crowd hyped!
=The two people we went for:
SUPER JUNIOR and TAEMIN
SOOOOOOOOOOOO worth the short travel. I may never get to South Korea or be able to get tickets here in the states or they may be disbanded by the time I can. Both SJ and Taemin are with the same company, SM Entertainment and have both been around for over 10 yrs. Taemin is a part of the group SHINEE but his other members are serving in the military and he does solo as well.
Professional, veteran idols .... AHHHHHHHHH ... is all I can say, so, so worth it. Super Junior used to have over 12 members and many subunits but as of right now, there are only 8 members. They just finished a comeback tour around Asia. Taemin came straight from his solo Asia tour, they have tight schedules but came the 12 to 14 hr plane rides to see us and perform 3 songs. What they do for their fans.
My camera sucks, I couldn't get all 6 of them on stage, they were so spread out, the camera man couldn't and didn't on the big screen so enjoy Leetyuk (leader of Super Junior) and Donghae (my bias) - white suit is Taemin. Oh yeah - being the veteran group they are, the leader didn't care and was the first of all the performers to jump from the stage and run into the fans to meet them. Olivia said Leetyuk has had no justice as he is much more handsome in person - bad photographers.
We were shocked that Taemin (main headliner - people wanted encore from him but it didn't happen) wasn't the closing act. Instead a hip hop group DJ Doc was. They came 3 yrs ago so we were familiar with them - another group that gets the crowd hyped.
We were a little further back than we wanted but it was what we could afford and honestly we were just happy we were able to go!
Still not too bad of seats but my old eyes... sigh I'm saving up to sit back in the garden boxes again (in front of us in the picture) and next year we are bringing my DIL Abby along - a true girls weekend. :)
Sunday, February 10, 2019
I'm Selfish
I have only to think that it is because of my upbringing that certain words are vile to me. Through years in different therapy words like victim, selfish, bossy always make me recoil and pull back. To be called those is physically painful because I've always been called them and I've always tried to NOT be them. One therapist told me I was only looking at the negative connotations of the words; however, only negativity has ever been used with them in connection to me.
I've been told to write. It helps me put things in better perspective, it helps me to connect to epiphany's that leave too suddenly once thought and not written down. Even as I write this, thoughts I had that were important to share have been lost to me ... not even 5 minutes. I want to address these words and what they mean to me. Not just to help me overcome my fear of them and being called them but perhaps in order to help others understand what someone else hear, whether it is what was thought or not.
VICTIM. I have PTSD; therefore, I am a victim. My father taught me to be strong. To pull myself up by my bootstraps and go on, ignoring what was happening, trying to help me learn to not have it affect me. He accomplished his goal in one aspect (bossy) but not in the main (not affecting).
This post will be long enough, I'm not about to write a book about all the things and my reactions to them that caused my PTSD, lets just say there are numerous, they happened throughout my entire life, and my timid spirit was affronted. Outside I let things slide while inside they harbored, they festered, they embedded themselves into my cells. Did I create myself into being a victim? Probably but I still hate that word. The dictionary defines victim as a person harmed, injured, duped or tricked. No one wants to be a victim, so the word by itself brings a powerful undertone to it. I wish I could remember what my therapist said. She put a different meaning to each letter of the word, hoping to help me see it in a different light. I remember the C stood for Courage, the V for Victory. She spun the word to mean that I had overcome through courage the events that had happened to me through my life. Yes, I was a victim but I had overcome and therefore did not need to be tied to the demeaning of the word itself. It is hard to overcome that ... the world does not see it that way and standing up for yourself, is not always seen as courage but as bossy or selfish.
SELFISH. I found out a few weeks ago that the night before my wedding my mother informed my fiance that I was selfish and good luck, that all her children were. When my mom died I didn't want to read her journals. I wanted to remember her love for me, not tarnish her memory with what she really thought of me. Ha, so much for good intentions because she told others how she felt about me and in moments of anger, they get repeated. I've tried to wrap my mind around the definition of selfish and how it applies to me. I've tried not to be self centered, I know I've failed repeatedly at that but I still try. I don't like compliments - they mean the world to me, it is my love language - but I fear accepting them. Could I really be beautiful? Could I be generous or funny or talented? Whenever I hear those things I shine inside, for just a moment, in hope. But then I more often then not don't say thank you, shrug it off, or say I don't believe it. If I believe it I have to be someone of worth right? But how could I be if I'm a bad person? I know bad people aren't all bad but it makes me want believe that I am wholly good and that leads to somehow coming across as arrogant or self centered which is bad, and I spiral again.
Having PTSD, depression, and anxiety I am selfish. I have to be if I am to survive and for my kids and grandbaby, survival is all that matters. Self care is not supposed to be selfish but needful yet it is seen as selfish, needy even. I've been depressed, suicidal since I was 16. Whenever I mentioned it, which was only once or twice, I was scoffed at, ridiculed, with people wondering what I had to be suicidal about. Does depression need a reason? No it doesn't and that is why so many people misunderstand it. If I could wake up each morning telling myself it will be a good day and have it remain such, do you not think I wouldn't do it every morning? 32 yrs of depression tells me that yes, it does have to do with my mind, my subconscious mind, and I have spent many, MANY years trying to fake it until I made it...guess what, I never made it. I would read about depressed people pulling away from their family, etc and I decided not to do that. So yes, I was addicted to a multi player online game so that I could forget my world but I would try at night to play in the same room as my family so that even if I emotionally couldn't be all there, I was there, I was present in some way in their lives. People don't know how or what to do when a person or partner hits that level of mental anguish so they either do nothing or try what they think works for them and are disappointed or hurt when it doesn't work for you. People with mental illness don't want you to fix it because YOU can't. It is our mental illness and with therapy, drugs, and a lot of internal work, only WE, ourselves can fix ourselves. Sometimes we are broken and scattered into more pieces that a short space of time can fix and put back together, other times it happens faster. It depends on the person, their illness, their internal strength and fortitude. Sometimes, you just don't have the mental or emotional strength to deal with it at that moment so you slap some band aids over it, put on a mask and try to appear as you have everything all together.
That brings me to BOSSY. How do you try to appear like your shit is together? By being in control - a control freak. I am a recovering perfectionist, anything and everything I could I had to have control over in my life because I could never control what would happen to me . The saying, YOU control how you react to any given situation. Claps - well done, go you ... go your conscious you because you honestly don't know how you REALLY reacted unconsciously. Things I thought I handled well, got over, no repercussions I learned later on, I had not. So fun to learn about yourself that you aren't as strong as you thought, internally. How do you tell an 18 month old that her parents going off to Hawaii for a long time isn't abandonment? I don't even remember it, but apparently my body and subconscious do. Adult me? That's stupid. Baby me? My mom abandoned me. Yeah, figure that one out because I still haven't. My father taught me to give 110% or get in trouble. Failure was not an option. If I came home with a B- grade I stood before my parents and had to explain myself. I was better than that, I could do better, and I did. Am I mad at being raised that way? No. Am I hurt that others who weren't hate me for being a perfectionist and wanting things to get done timely and in the right way? Yes. At 19 I became an assistant to the CFO and quartermaster of the copy room and supplies. It was a pain in the ass. I was the youngest employee working there and the men accountants used to go in to my boss and tell him how they wished they could throw me over their knee and spank me I was so annoying. Why? Because I didn't let you stockpile office supplies at your desk and kept them under lock and key? Because I didn't fall for your supposed charm to get what you wanted? Yep - I was and am a bitch. When they put me in charge of the front desk and file room I became Super Bitch - I hated that. I want someone to explain to me why people look for strong personalities to handle jobs, etc - it's what they want and need and because they know you'll get it done your responsibilities keep building. But secretly behind your back, they mock you, criticize you and judge you because you are what they want you to be. Ahh - victim again - but a societal one. I helped with a ward activity once, I know the person in charge ended up hating me but put up with me because my daughter was his daughter's friend and he liked my husband. Why? Because I was always checking with him if anything needed to be done, was there anything else I could help with. I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of him, I could actually see it on his face but I couldn't stop myself. My part was done and I wanted to help make sure it was awesome. I thought my part was done, those I had delegated to got back to me 3 days before the event saying they couldn't do it and they hadn't even done anything. I did what I always do, I put my panic into action and got something done. As I was directing it the night of the party, my partner in charge of music opened my eyes to how I was seen in the ward with the words, "Did they not do it right and you had to do it yourself?" She said it jokingly, there are no jokes really - people just not wanting to be caught being an asshole. I looked her in the eye and said, "Actually they quit on me 3 days ago, I didn't have a choice." The look on her face was one of instant regret but she didn't apologize, just walked off because I had turned back around.
It has taken me a lifetime to accept that I am bossy because the term really means, strong and independent. Do I tell people what to do? If I'm in charge and I've found, I don't like being in charge anymore, too much stress, too much pain, and too much judgment. If people want me to stop, they need to not come to me for every little thing and show me they can take care of themselves and me. Some might complain they are never given a chance, there are two sides and views to everything because no one has the same life experiences; therefore, they couldn't possibly see it the same way.
I am selfish because I don't want to share my pain. People try to fix me and that isn't their job. Rarely does anyone just offer comfort or support which really, is all I've ever wanted. I don't need advice, I'm 48 yrs old and have been to more self help classes, more therapy, read more books and I know. I know what works for some people, it doesn't work for all. I'm glad people want to help me but the best you can do is simply be there, hug me, bring me a drink, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. I rarely open up to people, you may know the situation, I'm fine telling that. What I won't share is the darkness that feeds inside me, the constant struggle to find and be who I really am because the darkness spreads. Ask anyone, get away from toxic people, they destroy you, they bleed you and if I shared, I would. The few times I have the only things I have learned is that people will share back and support you as long as they also remain in darkness. Once they've climbed out of their hole, you are simply a reminder and they don't want to be there anymore. The support and help for you is gone because they leave. Everyone leaves. And trust me, if I could, I would to.
Paix.
I've been told to write. It helps me put things in better perspective, it helps me to connect to epiphany's that leave too suddenly once thought and not written down. Even as I write this, thoughts I had that were important to share have been lost to me ... not even 5 minutes. I want to address these words and what they mean to me. Not just to help me overcome my fear of them and being called them but perhaps in order to help others understand what someone else hear, whether it is what was thought or not.
This post will be long enough, I'm not about to write a book about all the things and my reactions to them that caused my PTSD, lets just say there are numerous, they happened throughout my entire life, and my timid spirit was affronted. Outside I let things slide while inside they harbored, they festered, they embedded themselves into my cells. Did I create myself into being a victim? Probably but I still hate that word. The dictionary defines victim as a person harmed, injured, duped or tricked. No one wants to be a victim, so the word by itself brings a powerful undertone to it. I wish I could remember what my therapist said. She put a different meaning to each letter of the word, hoping to help me see it in a different light. I remember the C stood for Courage, the V for Victory. She spun the word to mean that I had overcome through courage the events that had happened to me through my life. Yes, I was a victim but I had overcome and therefore did not need to be tied to the demeaning of the word itself. It is hard to overcome that ... the world does not see it that way and standing up for yourself, is not always seen as courage but as bossy or selfish.
SELFISH. I found out a few weeks ago that the night before my wedding my mother informed my fiance that I was selfish and good luck, that all her children were. When my mom died I didn't want to read her journals. I wanted to remember her love for me, not tarnish her memory with what she really thought of me. Ha, so much for good intentions because she told others how she felt about me and in moments of anger, they get repeated. I've tried to wrap my mind around the definition of selfish and how it applies to me. I've tried not to be self centered, I know I've failed repeatedly at that but I still try. I don't like compliments - they mean the world to me, it is my love language - but I fear accepting them. Could I really be beautiful? Could I be generous or funny or talented? Whenever I hear those things I shine inside, for just a moment, in hope. But then I more often then not don't say thank you, shrug it off, or say I don't believe it. If I believe it I have to be someone of worth right? But how could I be if I'm a bad person? I know bad people aren't all bad but it makes me want believe that I am wholly good and that leads to somehow coming across as arrogant or self centered which is bad, and I spiral again.
Having PTSD, depression, and anxiety I am selfish. I have to be if I am to survive and for my kids and grandbaby, survival is all that matters. Self care is not supposed to be selfish but needful yet it is seen as selfish, needy even. I've been depressed, suicidal since I was 16. Whenever I mentioned it, which was only once or twice, I was scoffed at, ridiculed, with people wondering what I had to be suicidal about. Does depression need a reason? No it doesn't and that is why so many people misunderstand it. If I could wake up each morning telling myself it will be a good day and have it remain such, do you not think I wouldn't do it every morning? 32 yrs of depression tells me that yes, it does have to do with my mind, my subconscious mind, and I have spent many, MANY years trying to fake it until I made it...guess what, I never made it. I would read about depressed people pulling away from their family, etc and I decided not to do that. So yes, I was addicted to a multi player online game so that I could forget my world but I would try at night to play in the same room as my family so that even if I emotionally couldn't be all there, I was there, I was present in some way in their lives. People don't know how or what to do when a person or partner hits that level of mental anguish so they either do nothing or try what they think works for them and are disappointed or hurt when it doesn't work for you. People with mental illness don't want you to fix it because YOU can't. It is our mental illness and with therapy, drugs, and a lot of internal work, only WE, ourselves can fix ourselves. Sometimes we are broken and scattered into more pieces that a short space of time can fix and put back together, other times it happens faster. It depends on the person, their illness, their internal strength and fortitude. Sometimes, you just don't have the mental or emotional strength to deal with it at that moment so you slap some band aids over it, put on a mask and try to appear as you have everything all together.
That brings me to BOSSY. How do you try to appear like your shit is together? By being in control - a control freak. I am a recovering perfectionist, anything and everything I could I had to have control over in my life because I could never control what would happen to me . The saying, YOU control how you react to any given situation. Claps - well done, go you ... go your conscious you because you honestly don't know how you REALLY reacted unconsciously. Things I thought I handled well, got over, no repercussions I learned later on, I had not. So fun to learn about yourself that you aren't as strong as you thought, internally. How do you tell an 18 month old that her parents going off to Hawaii for a long time isn't abandonment? I don't even remember it, but apparently my body and subconscious do. Adult me? That's stupid. Baby me? My mom abandoned me. Yeah, figure that one out because I still haven't. My father taught me to give 110% or get in trouble. Failure was not an option. If I came home with a B- grade I stood before my parents and had to explain myself. I was better than that, I could do better, and I did. Am I mad at being raised that way? No. Am I hurt that others who weren't hate me for being a perfectionist and wanting things to get done timely and in the right way? Yes. At 19 I became an assistant to the CFO and quartermaster of the copy room and supplies. It was a pain in the ass. I was the youngest employee working there and the men accountants used to go in to my boss and tell him how they wished they could throw me over their knee and spank me I was so annoying. Why? Because I didn't let you stockpile office supplies at your desk and kept them under lock and key? Because I didn't fall for your supposed charm to get what you wanted? Yep - I was and am a bitch. When they put me in charge of the front desk and file room I became Super Bitch - I hated that. I want someone to explain to me why people look for strong personalities to handle jobs, etc - it's what they want and need and because they know you'll get it done your responsibilities keep building. But secretly behind your back, they mock you, criticize you and judge you because you are what they want you to be. Ahh - victim again - but a societal one. I helped with a ward activity once, I know the person in charge ended up hating me but put up with me because my daughter was his daughter's friend and he liked my husband. Why? Because I was always checking with him if anything needed to be done, was there anything else I could help with. I'm sure I annoyed the hell out of him, I could actually see it on his face but I couldn't stop myself. My part was done and I wanted to help make sure it was awesome. I thought my part was done, those I had delegated to got back to me 3 days before the event saying they couldn't do it and they hadn't even done anything. I did what I always do, I put my panic into action and got something done. As I was directing it the night of the party, my partner in charge of music opened my eyes to how I was seen in the ward with the words, "Did they not do it right and you had to do it yourself?" She said it jokingly, there are no jokes really - people just not wanting to be caught being an asshole. I looked her in the eye and said, "Actually they quit on me 3 days ago, I didn't have a choice." The look on her face was one of instant regret but she didn't apologize, just walked off because I had turned back around.
It has taken me a lifetime to accept that I am bossy because the term really means, strong and independent. Do I tell people what to do? If I'm in charge and I've found, I don't like being in charge anymore, too much stress, too much pain, and too much judgment. If people want me to stop, they need to not come to me for every little thing and show me they can take care of themselves and me. Some might complain they are never given a chance, there are two sides and views to everything because no one has the same life experiences; therefore, they couldn't possibly see it the same way.
I am selfish because I don't want to share my pain. People try to fix me and that isn't their job. Rarely does anyone just offer comfort or support which really, is all I've ever wanted. I don't need advice, I'm 48 yrs old and have been to more self help classes, more therapy, read more books and I know. I know what works for some people, it doesn't work for all. I'm glad people want to help me but the best you can do is simply be there, hug me, bring me a drink, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. I rarely open up to people, you may know the situation, I'm fine telling that. What I won't share is the darkness that feeds inside me, the constant struggle to find and be who I really am because the darkness spreads. Ask anyone, get away from toxic people, they destroy you, they bleed you and if I shared, I would. The few times I have the only things I have learned is that people will share back and support you as long as they also remain in darkness. Once they've climbed out of their hole, you are simply a reminder and they don't want to be there anymore. The support and help for you is gone because they leave. Everyone leaves. And trust me, if I could, I would to.
Paix.
Friday, May 26, 2017
This is me... I'm 47
This is me, I added a filter to the bottom because the light in my house was making my face all red.
For the first 3 to 4 yrs I didn't sleep, hence the permanent dark circles. I would average about 15 hrs in a week, then my body would just 'crash'. That's when your body has to sleep or you die. It is the weirdest feeling to have your body just collapse and sleep without dreams and when you wake you can't move... you feel like your paralyzed. Nothing helped my insomnia, pills and herbal remedies just left my body exhausted and me crying, bumping into furniture in absolute exhaustion. I found out that I had no energy, that sleep requires energy, so that your body can rebuild during the night. I often, still, have to pick whether I do one thing only (depending the size of it) or a few small things during one day so that I have enough energy to sleep that night. People call it the Spoonie effect - it's a real thing, I'm here to testify. The spoonie effect is that you have, say 10 spoons per day. For most people, the energy they expend getting dressed, eating breakfast, showering, etc may only take 1 spoon... for others, it may take 2 or 3. Work is 1, anything causing extra stress is 1, so for me, grocery shopping on some days takes 2 spoons. The goal is to have a spoon left over in which to sleep and not have to borrow from your spoons for tomorrow.
I became a recluse for many years. I couldn't drive over a mile away from my house or I went into total panic attack. The only times I did were to either therapy or when work called a meeting - thankfully I worked from home. It's hard to explain what having an anti-social disorder does to someone who was once very social. You reach out for any other type of social interaction you can without leaving your comfort zone. My outreach was computer gaming, playing an MMORP called Puzzle Pirates. It was easy to make friends and I quickly found out, most that played also had disorders. Extremely shy, agoraphobia, etc. However, when you get a group of mental disorders in game, there is always drama, someone's feelings are always hurt - so yep, just like real life. When I would rather play than work, I talked with my therapist about it. I moved my computer into where my family was so that I was at least in the same room with them. I rewarded myself with playing after work was finished. Thankfully, after a few years, I left the game. My husband always knows my stress is beyond bad if I've downloaded the game again and have started playing. My friends have all stopped playing and I have no interest in making new ones so I mostly just puzzle by myself, it's a comfort.
As I mentioned, I hate pictures of myself - always have, more so now that I've been the same weight for the past 10 yrs, it just shifts. I overcome a stress related to my PTSD and I drop 10 lbs, another shows up and it comes right back. If I had energy, I would love to dance and walk it off; unfortunately, I have very little of that. For years people have told me it comes back the more you do it and it does; now that I actually have some energy for more than 1 thing a day, I've been trying to go on walks with my daughter. So far I can make a loop around my neighborhood - one loop but it's more than I've been able to do in years and I'll take it.
I've started doing things I used to love and things I always wanted to try but never did. I look at this part as not only part of my therapy but showing that part of me is in recovery. It's wonderful to be able to enjoy doing something again - like blogging ha ha. I now write mild fan fictions for the KPOP community in Vingle. I say mild because according to my daughter, what I write is nothing like smut :). In my eyes, if you're old enough to read it, you're old enough to let me lead you and let your imagination take over. I've started doing art - like painting or oil crayons. I got a B out of art in 8th grade because I did so much extra credit the teacher had to give it to me. That is the last time I was taught anything. I go to the Paint Nite's once in a while with a good friend but mostly now I self teach, watch video's and see what comes out of my brain. The only problem with my writing and art? I'm very impatient and rarely does anything take me more than a day to do. I'm working on it.
Mainly I wanted to do this because I am 47 and while the age doesn't bother me, I think it bothers others. Not others that I know, most don't know my age so now I'm telling them and you, whoever you are reading this.
Life is life. It gives us way too much at times that I've wanted to give up and just be done. However, it also sends little miracles and beauty to us, if we have the chance to notice it. For everyone, some days are harder than others. No matter who you are, what you do, or where you go, we all have a trial of some kind. Most people just don't let others see it. There are too many walking around with masks and blinders on. Be kind, be safe and love everyone. Peace.
My take on KPOP
I am all for people voicing their opinions with the exceptions of them being a racist, bigot, or uneducated. In those cases, please kindly keep your mouth closed and please don't overwork your tiny mind by voicing an opinion, no one is interested.
First I will address the fact that the Billboard Awards are global, not just American. If you would like to exclude foreigners, please make Celine Dion give back her awards and send Justin Bieber back to Canada (just to name two). We have all races here in America; therefore, we have all types of music. For someone to say send those KPOP boys back to Korea where they belong makes me laugh - do you realize how LONG and HARD we have worked to GET them here?!?!? BTS (Bangtan Boys) just finished a world tour, with sold out in under an hour, concerts here in the US. Their goal is to play the Stadiums and we their fans would welcome that, we might actually get tickets!
There are many Americans that live in South Korea and sing in KPOP groups or as solo artists. Peniel from BTOB (Chicago), Amber from Fx & Solo (LA), Ailee from soloist (NJ), Eric Nam from soloist (GA), Johnny from NCT (Chicago), Mark from GOT7 (LA), Nichkhun from 2PM (CA), Joshua (LA) and Vernon (NY) from Seventeen, Jay Park rapper previously from 2pm (WA), Jessica and Tiffany from Girls Generation both from (CA), and I could go on.
What is KPOP? Korean Pop Music. Ever since PSY hit the internet with Gangnam Style back in 2012, people have started to notice what is going on in the Entertainment world in South Korea. At last count there were around 52 Entertainment (Talent) Agencies in South Korea, it is big business there. They start recruiting anywhere from 10 yrs old, sometimes younger. World famous rapper, hip hop artist, leader of Big Bang; GDragon debuted when 13 yrs old in 2001. His group Big Bang have been together for 10 yrs and have completed sold out world tours. They hit Forbes Top 100 last year (2016) by grossing $44 Million as a group (in one year). These men have individual careers and other interests also, they made much more than that.
Entertainment Companies recruit young and they train them in voice, instrument, acting, dancing, language (if not Korean speaking) - all the aspects of the Entertainment field. A few lucky ones debut immediately; such as American, Benji from the group B.I.G, who studied at Julliard. Some unfortunate ones never debut and watch their dreams fade. Others debut but because their company is so small they never receive the recognition or play time they deserve. There are many, many talents groups out there still waiting for their chance to show they are just as good as any other group.
Schedules for these idols, as they are called, can be hectic. The groups starting to get recognition try to release mini-albums (at least 5 songs) once or twice a year. Most of those groups have members that write the music & lyrics. Along with releases come creating video's, fan meet and greets, photographs, and concerts.
The difference between buying a CD from a KPOP group and an American artist? Most KPOP CD's run between $15 up to $125. Why? Each CD comes with a photo BOOK or mini posters, one or multiple laminated wallet photos, or a full size poster. The upper costing CD's usually also include a DVD of a concert or performance.
Why do they have such big fandoms? What makes them so popular? They are a drug. Seriously. They have the best use of SMS that I have ever seen. Without totally invading their privacy, they try to allow fans into their lives. They post selfies, art, their pets, their food, anything and everything. They use VAPP which allows them to start live feeds with fans worldwide where they can read comments from fans in real time and respond. They tweet about other groups in their company and keep you posted on what is on their schedules. By doing this they become more real, especially when you see just how dorky and human they are. Being that it is such a competition there for fans, merchandise is big business. Groups don't eat well when first debuting if they don't make money. No, I'm not exaggerating. The more you are out there, the more merchandise is purchased, the more your videos are played, the bigger your fandom becomes, the better they eat.
My side? My daughter watched a Youtube video in 2015 about KPOP. It had videos from EXO and Big Bang. Hot men that can sing and dance? Like her mother, she said Yes please and was hooked. I was like others and skeptical at first, she showed me videos and I too was like, is that eyeliner? Honestly? I am so hooked on KPOP now that one of my sons best friends from high school just married a really cute Asian girl that I've met several times and I had to look at their wedding invitation really close when my daughter told me she was Asian. I didn't notice! I think that is a wonderful thing - to be able to see people and not notice their race just see them as people. What did it take for me to get hooked? The magical voice of Hyunsik from BTOB singing Moonlight in English. I am a sucker for Frank Sinatra and I had to make her prove to me it was really Hyunsik singing. From there I was lost. I listen to ALL genre's of music - my father was born in the late 1920's, my mother in the 1930's and my siblings from 1950 through 1970. The only music I wouldn't listen to was rap and now that I listen to KPOP, I listen to rap. They have expanded my genre.
My daughter's bias group is BTS (Bangtan Boys) and mine is HISTORY who just disbanded. We can have many bias groups and belong to many fandoms, since we live in the US. Just some (I'm sure I'll forget some) of our favorite groups are: BTS, HISTORY, JYJ, TVXQ, BIG BANG, 2PM, VIXX, BTOB, VICTON, B.I.G, MAMAMOO, Girls Generation, 4Minute (Disbanded), APink, CLC, MissA, GOT7, BLOCK B, Black Pink, BEAST, EXO... there are so many and their music is amazing. They work incredibly hard, are trained in manners (besides it being their culture), and extremely talented. They deserve praise, not criticism - especially if they are winning over other worldwide known artists that they look up to.
Just my 2 cents.
First I will address the fact that the Billboard Awards are global, not just American. If you would like to exclude foreigners, please make Celine Dion give back her awards and send Justin Bieber back to Canada (just to name two). We have all races here in America; therefore, we have all types of music. For someone to say send those KPOP boys back to Korea where they belong makes me laugh - do you realize how LONG and HARD we have worked to GET them here?!?!? BTS (Bangtan Boys) just finished a world tour, with sold out in under an hour, concerts here in the US. Their goal is to play the Stadiums and we their fans would welcome that, we might actually get tickets!
There are many Americans that live in South Korea and sing in KPOP groups or as solo artists. Peniel from BTOB (Chicago), Amber from Fx & Solo (LA), Ailee from soloist (NJ), Eric Nam from soloist (GA), Johnny from NCT (Chicago), Mark from GOT7 (LA), Nichkhun from 2PM (CA), Joshua (LA) and Vernon (NY) from Seventeen, Jay Park rapper previously from 2pm (WA), Jessica and Tiffany from Girls Generation both from (CA), and I could go on.
What is KPOP? Korean Pop Music. Ever since PSY hit the internet with Gangnam Style back in 2012, people have started to notice what is going on in the Entertainment world in South Korea. At last count there were around 52 Entertainment (Talent) Agencies in South Korea, it is big business there. They start recruiting anywhere from 10 yrs old, sometimes younger. World famous rapper, hip hop artist, leader of Big Bang; GDragon debuted when 13 yrs old in 2001. His group Big Bang have been together for 10 yrs and have completed sold out world tours. They hit Forbes Top 100 last year (2016) by grossing $44 Million as a group (in one year). These men have individual careers and other interests also, they made much more than that.
Entertainment Companies recruit young and they train them in voice, instrument, acting, dancing, language (if not Korean speaking) - all the aspects of the Entertainment field. A few lucky ones debut immediately; such as American, Benji from the group B.I.G, who studied at Julliard. Some unfortunate ones never debut and watch their dreams fade. Others debut but because their company is so small they never receive the recognition or play time they deserve. There are many, many talents groups out there still waiting for their chance to show they are just as good as any other group.
Schedules for these idols, as they are called, can be hectic. The groups starting to get recognition try to release mini-albums (at least 5 songs) once or twice a year. Most of those groups have members that write the music & lyrics. Along with releases come creating video's, fan meet and greets, photographs, and concerts.
The difference between buying a CD from a KPOP group and an American artist? Most KPOP CD's run between $15 up to $125. Why? Each CD comes with a photo BOOK or mini posters, one or multiple laminated wallet photos, or a full size poster. The upper costing CD's usually also include a DVD of a concert or performance.
Why do they have such big fandoms? What makes them so popular? They are a drug. Seriously. They have the best use of SMS that I have ever seen. Without totally invading their privacy, they try to allow fans into their lives. They post selfies, art, their pets, their food, anything and everything. They use VAPP which allows them to start live feeds with fans worldwide where they can read comments from fans in real time and respond. They tweet about other groups in their company and keep you posted on what is on their schedules. By doing this they become more real, especially when you see just how dorky and human they are. Being that it is such a competition there for fans, merchandise is big business. Groups don't eat well when first debuting if they don't make money. No, I'm not exaggerating. The more you are out there, the more merchandise is purchased, the more your videos are played, the bigger your fandom becomes, the better they eat.
My side? My daughter watched a Youtube video in 2015 about KPOP. It had videos from EXO and Big Bang. Hot men that can sing and dance? Like her mother, she said Yes please and was hooked. I was like others and skeptical at first, she showed me videos and I too was like, is that eyeliner? Honestly? I am so hooked on KPOP now that one of my sons best friends from high school just married a really cute Asian girl that I've met several times and I had to look at their wedding invitation really close when my daughter told me she was Asian. I didn't notice! I think that is a wonderful thing - to be able to see people and not notice their race just see them as people. What did it take for me to get hooked? The magical voice of Hyunsik from BTOB singing Moonlight in English. I am a sucker for Frank Sinatra and I had to make her prove to me it was really Hyunsik singing. From there I was lost. I listen to ALL genre's of music - my father was born in the late 1920's, my mother in the 1930's and my siblings from 1950 through 1970. The only music I wouldn't listen to was rap and now that I listen to KPOP, I listen to rap. They have expanded my genre.
My daughter's bias group is BTS (Bangtan Boys) and mine is HISTORY who just disbanded. We can have many bias groups and belong to many fandoms, since we live in the US. Just some (I'm sure I'll forget some) of our favorite groups are: BTS, HISTORY, JYJ, TVXQ, BIG BANG, 2PM, VIXX, BTOB, VICTON, B.I.G, MAMAMOO, Girls Generation, 4Minute (Disbanded), APink, CLC, MissA, GOT7, BLOCK B, Black Pink, BEAST, EXO... there are so many and their music is amazing. They work incredibly hard, are trained in manners (besides it being their culture), and extremely talented. They deserve praise, not criticism - especially if they are winning over other worldwide known artists that they look up to.
Just my 2 cents.
BTS (Bangtan Boys) Top L-R Jimin, Suga, Jungkook
Bottom L- R V, Jin, J-Hope, Rap Monster (leader)
BTOB (Born to Beat)
Top L-R Peniel, Hyunsik, Sungjae, Eungkwang (leader), Changsub
Bottom L-R Illhoon, Minhyuk
BIG BANG
L-R Seungri, GDragon (Leader), Taeyang, T.O.P., Daesung
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
An Empowering Vacation
I haven't blogged in forever. Mostly because I have a Facebook page, I'm Normal for Me Not You @ImNotNormalneitherAreYou, Instagram, and have started writing and painting.
Different posts can talk about the writing and painting, this one is for my single adult with 2 teenagers trip last week. PTSD does many things to you; for me it took a strong, independent woman and broke her. Broke her self esteem, her independence, and created massive self doubt filled anxiety. So many thoughts have been running through my head to say and that want to be said that I know they won't make it here. So that I at least hit some of the points, I'll address the trip in sections: Reservations, Driving, New People, Asking for Help, Being the Adult, and Music.
Background: My home is filled with illness but we don't know any different, its us, it is who we are. My husband has Anxiety & Low Testosterone (if you don't think that causes problems you should look it up), my oldest son has an Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and ADHD - his wife has ADHD, anxiety and depression plus is pregnant so can't take her medication currently, my second son is very high functioning Ausbergers with depression, and my daughter has extreme social anxiety with depression. Me? As stated before, I have PTSD- possible CPTSD since it can be traced back to 18 mo old, with extreme anxiety and depression. This is us, to pass us on the street or meet us at church you wouldn't know us from anyone else. We act the same, serve the same, but do find it hard to occasionally meet all that is required of us - we say NO. It took a long time and we still fight with ourselves about the fact that it's okay to say no. My husband works out of state 4 1/2 days of the week; needless to say, those of us at home, are home bodies and don't do anything or go anywhere. Before my daughter developed her anxiety, she was very social, like her mother used to be. She hates being home day after day but it is difficult for her to be other places. I mostly only have internet friends. I've become close with one and decided it was time to meet her. When I usually make decisions like that I wait and think, my gut tells me if its a bad idea. I'd been thinking about it for a month and finally decided it was a good time.
Reservations: I talked to my husband about making the trip and he, of course, wanted to go with us. I thought about asking my oldest & wife but driving is not good for her for long periods of time. They would have been other drivers which would have been nice. I picked a weekend that my husband wasn't coming home, verified she had time off at that time and went looking online for reservations. Empowering and a few mistakes made of course, would be how I would describe that. I decided where I wanted to stay the first night, while there, and for the way home. Put a wrong date in and had to change a reservation, but all in all, not bad. How did it turn out?
Driving/Asking for Help
Lol, well. It was supposed to be a total of a 13.5 hr trip to the Washington Coast, across from Vancouver, Canada. The first day; I know all the roads, have driven them for over 25 yrs and it was an easy 5 hr trip to the hotel. The hotel was great but anxiety from starting the trip had me not sleeping before so I was punch drunk by dinner time. The teenagers told me I was no longer allowed to adult for the night and was sent to bed. Like that worked. The next day's 8.5 hr drive took us 11 hrs. Unfamiliar roads, getting lost in Yakima by taking a wrong exit. Getting lost twice in Selah by again a wrong exit and then no directions back to the freeway. Finally on the right roads and looking for Snoqualmie Falls, stopped there, walked over to see them, took some pictures. Lost in Seattle when I90 just ends. It really just ends, in downtown Seattle - what the ?!?! Let me just say this, Seattle, you are not visitor friendly AT ALL. Multiple, continuous one way streets headed in the direction you don't want to, yeah it was fun. I had to call my friend, thankfully she was off work, grabbed her computer and talked me through the streets of Seattle and to the Ferry.
Okay, here's one of the big things about this trip: I don't do heights, especially heights over water, definitely not floating bridges. Therefore, the Seattle bridges and Portland bridges were out of the picture. We waited for the ferry, hopped on and I couldn't get the girls out of the car. I had to make a choice, deal with the teenager anxiety over being on a boat or my extreme fear driving over the water. I won because I still had to adult, there was no other driver. We took the East exit not the West on Bainbridge Island but that was easy enough to correct. Will forever be thankful for the driver ahead of us on the dark country roads that went where we did and I was able to just follow them to Sequim.
The drive home was more nerve wracking. Our 8.5 hrs home ended up being a great 13 hour day. I was so proud to find my way back off Bainbridge Island to the Ferry. We had an hour wait, its a 45 min ride (so that adds 2 hrs but when the girls won't get out of the car? long day). The exit to I90 and I5 road was closed. Again, Seattle, detour signs would have been GREAT! Lost in Seattle for a bit but followed a few cars that seemed to know where they were going, second guessed myself once, circled the block twice and found the exit. On I5 feeling great, thinking YAY this is going great, so proud and notice I can't find an exit for I90. We stay on I5 and it heads to Olympia, beautiful capital building by the way. However, Olympia will take us to Portland...I steel myself and think, can I do the bridge? I've almost convinced myself when I remember that the bridge has different exits and I am not familiar with what lanes to be in and it is always jammed with traffic. I suddenly am not sure I can so I look for how to get to an I90 or just a road to lead me back to Yakima and the way we came up. I find a road to Yakima - it will take us an extra hour and a half. I apologize to the girls and we set off again. Well....I didn't look at WHERE the road was going to take us. We drove back on I12 which took us through Mt Rainier National Park. It is absolutely beautiful by the way. For the majority of the trip through there I had relaxed, was enjoying it and feeling good again. I was thanking God for keeping us safe, helping us find the roads, and leading us through beautiful scenery we never would have seen otherwise. And then, it took us up and OVER the mountain - AHHH - I hate mountain roads, just saying. We got through that, we continued down the road through farmland - nothing around but still prettier than the blankness of Idaho. (sorry Idaho) As it started getting dark, I had the girls switch places so they could help read the road signs for me. I can't read the road signs from far away in the dark, I needed to pull over and put on my glasses. Before I could do that though, we drove up another mountain on a road I didn't know and over a freaking floating bridge! My nerves and the girls were SHOT. I was DONE. But I still had three hours until the hotel. We stopped, changed my glasses, got snacks and thankfully the final three hours were back on roads I was familiar with.
Being the Adult
One thing I've noticed about being unmistakably sick for the past 10 yrs is that often, you just don't have a choice. People don't understand a lot about it so let me try to explain. I was raised by a Lt. Col. in the Army who had been a Green Beret. The word NO was not in our language, can't wasn't allowed, you simply didn't try hard enough - anything is possible if you keep trying. Don't get me wrong, these aren't my problems, I am very GRATEFUL for my dad teaching me these things or I would never have gotten married, never had kids, never forced myself to move past my fear and done anything in my life. That is part of what makes PTSD such a pain for me. I wasn't raised to be sick - I was raised to be self sufficient, independent, a go getter, a do gooder, a strong woman - even though being one is the source of much of past ridicule. For me to want to do something and my body say no? Annoys the hell out of me. So many things I had to miss with my family because my body just wouldn't let me. That brings on its own set of guilty feelings for not being a good enough parent, blah blah you get the cycle right? So, I don't know how to relax. It's a control issue, I HAVE to get things done, I NEED to push myself to complete it or it won't ever be accomplished - which means my body is forced to use up valuable energy it needs for sleep - to actually get things done and be the responsible adult with teenage children at home and myself being the only driver. Do I blame my husband for having a job out of town and making me be the adult? NO. He loves his job, has wanted to do it forever and honestly, with all the illnesses running around the house, its nice to have limited ones around for short periods, it helps. I blame myself and my illness for not letting me be all that I could be. Okay, I can hear it, you are being everything you CAN be at this time of your life, accept it, just keep going. True. However, it doesn't prevent me from longing for the woman I used to be that could do 4 things at once, multiple times a day. I will admit that there are advantages to each part of life... things back then and things now that are what they need to be.
Meeting a New Friend
I lucked out. Most people when heading to meet an internet friend wouldn't handle it as casually as I did. She wasn't the problem with this trip, she was a great blessing and when we met it was like we'd known each other forever and were simply meeting up for a get together. Those kind of people are few and far between - hold on to them.
TRIP in General
My trip was what I thought it would be... insightful, fun, and empowering. I needed to prove to myself that I still had a love of driving and I do. That I can still do things independently of my husband and just for myself and my kids if I need to, away from home. That I can still overcome obstacles that are placed before me and triumph. The girls both have anxiety and depression and started their cycles while on vacation due to the altitude changes - so they were extra hormonal as well. They did great meeting Erin and Erin, bless her heart, treated them as if they were her nieces. We all fan girled over our KPOP idols, watched and shared favorite video's, painted, and went exploring together. We went to the rocky Washington coast beach and waved at Vancouver, Canada. We went to the Olympic Game Preserve and drove around, petting and feeding animals, setting off the wolves - it was great. Then she drove us up to the Olympic State Park up the mountain and we looked out over the beauty that is part of Washington. All in all it was a trip well worth the time and effort.
MUSIC
How did I survive the drive? About four months or so ago I found a South Korean Idol (Artist) who I absolutely adore. He does it all, acting, singing, musicals, business man. He has fought hard for his fame and fortune, still has set backs due to previous events but yet he still succeeds and reaches continually to make himself better. When I started translating his songs into English, I fell in love with many lyrics. Lyrics in relation to overcoming, showing them they can't keep you down - survival songs - songs many of us relate to. It helps that this man is an older KPOP Idol (for Korean anyway - he's 30) because he has the experiences he does, he is sort of a role model for me. Not an idol idol - I don't worship him, I admire him and I thank him. He has a honey voice that for some reason, after a life time of trying to shut up the negative in my head, his music does. You know how you find something good that makes you feel better and you just want to share it with everyone? Well, he is that and I apologize to those that are tired of hearing about him lol. I had all of his CD's with me and another group - the girls had their Spotify KPOP playlists. But when I needed help? We put in Xia Junsu's CD's and without fail within 15 minutes I was calmer, the you can't keep going was gone and within 30 minutes I was singing along. That to me is AMAZING and such an immense blessing in my life, it's a miracle to me actually. Better yet? By the end of the 2nd night when my daughter had had her 2nd panic attack in the car, I had his CD playing and by the third song I hear, "If I ever meet XIA I'm going to tell him he's magical." I almost started crying but that doesn't work for driving in the dark with contacts ha ha. I simply said a thank you prayer for my blessing being able to bless and help my daughter. By the end of the trip we totalled that we had listened to Xia for a total of about 8 hours of our driving time - there and back. The last night, I kid you not, his XIGNATURE CD was on repeat for 4 hrs straight. I think my car was a little stressed. =] I turned to the girls and told them they could put in a different CD of his, as long as it was him but they said no - he was good. By the time we reached home, both have now downloaded and added the Xignature album to their playlists. I don't know what I did to deserve to find the peace his voice brings but I will never, EVER deny it or what a gift it is for me and my family.
The result of this fabulous, stressful 6 day trip? Well, I've crashed for the past week in different ways. Was it worth it? DEFINITELY. Would I do it again? Absolutely. However, I think I'll place the hotels further apart so the drive is broken up better and make sure that I know how to get on I90 NOT I5 out of Seattle.
Life is interesting, Love is hard, but in the end, all of its worth it. Gris
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