I haven't blogged in forever. Mostly because I have a Facebook page, I'm Normal for Me Not You @ImNotNormalneitherAreYou, Instagram, and have started writing and painting.
Different posts can talk about the writing and painting, this one is for my single adult with 2 teenagers trip last week. PTSD does many things to you; for me it took a strong, independent woman and broke her. Broke her self esteem, her independence, and created massive self doubt filled anxiety. So many thoughts have been running through my head to say and that want to be said that I know they won't make it here. So that I at least hit some of the points, I'll address the trip in sections: Reservations, Driving, New People, Asking for Help, Being the Adult, and Music.
Background: My home is filled with illness but we don't know any different, its us, it is who we are. My husband has Anxiety & Low Testosterone (if you don't think that causes problems you should look it up), my oldest son has an Adjustment Disorder with Anxiety and ADHD - his wife has ADHD, anxiety and depression plus is pregnant so can't take her medication currently, my second son is very high functioning Ausbergers with depression, and my daughter has extreme social anxiety with depression. Me? As stated before, I have PTSD- possible CPTSD since it can be traced back to 18 mo old, with extreme anxiety and depression. This is us, to pass us on the street or meet us at church you wouldn't know us from anyone else. We act the same, serve the same, but do find it hard to occasionally meet all that is required of us - we say NO. It took a long time and we still fight with ourselves about the fact that it's okay to say no. My husband works out of state 4 1/2 days of the week; needless to say, those of us at home, are home bodies and don't do anything or go anywhere. Before my daughter developed her anxiety, she was very social, like her mother used to be. She hates being home day after day but it is difficult for her to be other places. I mostly only have internet friends. I've become close with one and decided it was time to meet her. When I usually make decisions like that I wait and think, my gut tells me if its a bad idea. I'd been thinking about it for a month and finally decided it was a good time.
Reservations: I talked to my husband about making the trip and he, of course, wanted to go with us. I thought about asking my oldest & wife but driving is not good for her for long periods of time. They would have been other drivers which would have been nice. I picked a weekend that my husband wasn't coming home, verified she had time off at that time and went looking online for reservations. Empowering and a few mistakes made of course, would be how I would describe that. I decided where I wanted to stay the first night, while there, and for the way home. Put a wrong date in and had to change a reservation, but all in all, not bad. How did it turn out?
Driving/Asking for Help
Lol, well. It was supposed to be a total of a 13.5 hr trip to the Washington Coast, across from Vancouver, Canada. The first day; I know all the roads, have driven them for over 25 yrs and it was an easy 5 hr trip to the hotel. The hotel was great but anxiety from starting the trip had me not sleeping before so I was punch drunk by dinner time. The teenagers told me I was no longer allowed to adult for the night and was sent to bed. Like that worked. The next day's 8.5 hr drive took us 11 hrs. Unfamiliar roads, getting lost in Yakima by taking a wrong exit. Getting lost twice in Selah by again a wrong exit and then no directions back to the freeway. Finally on the right roads and looking for Snoqualmie Falls, stopped there, walked over to see them, took some pictures. Lost in Seattle when I90 just ends. It really just ends, in downtown Seattle - what the ?!?! Let me just say this, Seattle, you are not visitor friendly AT ALL. Multiple, continuous one way streets headed in the direction you don't want to, yeah it was fun. I had to call my friend, thankfully she was off work, grabbed her computer and talked me through the streets of Seattle and to the Ferry.
Okay, here's one of the big things about this trip: I don't do heights, especially heights over water, definitely not floating bridges. Therefore, the Seattle bridges and Portland bridges were out of the picture. We waited for the ferry, hopped on and I couldn't get the girls out of the car. I had to make a choice, deal with the teenager anxiety over being on a boat or my extreme fear driving over the water. I won because I still had to adult, there was no other driver. We took the East exit not the West on Bainbridge Island but that was easy enough to correct. Will forever be thankful for the driver ahead of us on the dark country roads that went where we did and I was able to just follow them to Sequim.
The drive home was more nerve wracking. Our 8.5 hrs home ended up being a great 13 hour day. I was so proud to find my way back off Bainbridge Island to the Ferry. We had an hour wait, its a 45 min ride (so that adds 2 hrs but when the girls won't get out of the car? long day). The exit to I90 and I5 road was closed. Again, Seattle, detour signs would have been GREAT! Lost in Seattle for a bit but followed a few cars that seemed to know where they were going, second guessed myself once, circled the block twice and found the exit. On I5 feeling great, thinking YAY this is going great, so proud and notice I can't find an exit for I90. We stay on I5 and it heads to Olympia, beautiful capital building by the way. However, Olympia will take us to Portland...I steel myself and think, can I do the bridge? I've almost convinced myself when I remember that the bridge has different exits and I am not familiar with what lanes to be in and it is always jammed with traffic. I suddenly am not sure I can so I look for how to get to an I90 or just a road to lead me back to Yakima and the way we came up. I find a road to Yakima - it will take us an extra hour and a half. I apologize to the girls and we set off again. Well....I didn't look at WHERE the road was going to take us. We drove back on I12 which took us through Mt Rainier National Park. It is absolutely beautiful by the way. For the majority of the trip through there I had relaxed, was enjoying it and feeling good again. I was thanking God for keeping us safe, helping us find the roads, and leading us through beautiful scenery we never would have seen otherwise. And then, it took us up and OVER the mountain - AHHH - I hate mountain roads, just saying. We got through that, we continued down the road through farmland - nothing around but still prettier than the blankness of Idaho. (sorry Idaho) As it started getting dark, I had the girls switch places so they could help read the road signs for me. I can't read the road signs from far away in the dark, I needed to pull over and put on my glasses. Before I could do that though, we drove up another mountain on a road I didn't know and over a freaking floating bridge! My nerves and the girls were SHOT. I was DONE. But I still had three hours until the hotel. We stopped, changed my glasses, got snacks and thankfully the final three hours were back on roads I was familiar with.
Being the Adult
One thing I've noticed about being unmistakably sick for the past 10 yrs is that often, you just don't have a choice. People don't understand a lot about it so let me try to explain. I was raised by a Lt. Col. in the Army who had been a Green Beret. The word NO was not in our language, can't wasn't allowed, you simply didn't try hard enough - anything is possible if you keep trying. Don't get me wrong, these aren't my problems, I am very GRATEFUL for my dad teaching me these things or I would never have gotten married, never had kids, never forced myself to move past my fear and done anything in my life. That is part of what makes PTSD such a pain for me. I wasn't raised to be sick - I was raised to be self sufficient, independent, a go getter, a do gooder, a strong woman - even though being one is the source of much of past ridicule. For me to want to do something and my body say no? Annoys the hell out of me. So many things I had to miss with my family because my body just wouldn't let me. That brings on its own set of guilty feelings for not being a good enough parent, blah blah you get the cycle right? So, I don't know how to relax. It's a control issue, I HAVE to get things done, I NEED to push myself to complete it or it won't ever be accomplished - which means my body is forced to use up valuable energy it needs for sleep - to actually get things done and be the responsible adult with teenage children at home and myself being the only driver. Do I blame my husband for having a job out of town and making me be the adult? NO. He loves his job, has wanted to do it forever and honestly, with all the illnesses running around the house, its nice to have limited ones around for short periods, it helps. I blame myself and my illness for not letting me be all that I could be. Okay, I can hear it, you are being everything you CAN be at this time of your life, accept it, just keep going. True. However, it doesn't prevent me from longing for the woman I used to be that could do 4 things at once, multiple times a day. I will admit that there are advantages to each part of life... things back then and things now that are what they need to be.
Meeting a New Friend
I lucked out. Most people when heading to meet an internet friend wouldn't handle it as casually as I did. She wasn't the problem with this trip, she was a great blessing and when we met it was like we'd known each other forever and were simply meeting up for a get together. Those kind of people are few and far between - hold on to them.
TRIP in General
My trip was what I thought it would be... insightful, fun, and empowering. I needed to prove to myself that I still had a love of driving and I do. That I can still do things independently of my husband and just for myself and my kids if I need to, away from home. That I can still overcome obstacles that are placed before me and triumph. The girls both have anxiety and depression and started their cycles while on vacation due to the altitude changes - so they were extra hormonal as well. They did great meeting Erin and Erin, bless her heart, treated them as if they were her nieces. We all fan girled over our KPOP idols, watched and shared favorite video's, painted, and went exploring together. We went to the rocky Washington coast beach and waved at Vancouver, Canada. We went to the Olympic Game Preserve and drove around, petting and feeding animals, setting off the wolves - it was great. Then she drove us up to the Olympic State Park up the mountain and we looked out over the beauty that is part of Washington. All in all it was a trip well worth the time and effort.
MUSIC
How did I survive the drive? About four months or so ago I found a South Korean Idol (Artist) who I absolutely adore. He does it all, acting, singing, musicals, business man. He has fought hard for his fame and fortune, still has set backs due to previous events but yet he still succeeds and reaches continually to make himself better. When I started translating his songs into English, I fell in love with many lyrics. Lyrics in relation to overcoming, showing them they can't keep you down - survival songs - songs many of us relate to. It helps that this man is an older KPOP Idol (for Korean anyway - he's 30) because he has the experiences he does, he is sort of a role model for me. Not an idol idol - I don't worship him, I admire him and I thank him. He has a honey voice that for some reason, after a life time of trying to shut up the negative in my head, his music does. You know how you find something good that makes you feel better and you just want to share it with everyone? Well, he is that and I apologize to those that are tired of hearing about him lol. I had all of his CD's with me and another group - the girls had their Spotify KPOP playlists. But when I needed help? We put in Xia Junsu's CD's and without fail within 15 minutes I was calmer, the you can't keep going was gone and within 30 minutes I was singing along. That to me is AMAZING and such an immense blessing in my life, it's a miracle to me actually. Better yet? By the end of the 2nd night when my daughter had had her 2nd panic attack in the car, I had his CD playing and by the third song I hear, "If I ever meet XIA I'm going to tell him he's magical." I almost started crying but that doesn't work for driving in the dark with contacts ha ha. I simply said a thank you prayer for my blessing being able to bless and help my daughter. By the end of the trip we totalled that we had listened to Xia for a total of about 8 hours of our driving time - there and back. The last night, I kid you not, his XIGNATURE CD was on repeat for 4 hrs straight. I think my car was a little stressed. =] I turned to the girls and told them they could put in a different CD of his, as long as it was him but they said no - he was good. By the time we reached home, both have now downloaded and added the Xignature album to their playlists. I don't know what I did to deserve to find the peace his voice brings but I will never, EVER deny it or what a gift it is for me and my family.
The result of this fabulous, stressful 6 day trip? Well, I've crashed for the past week in different ways. Was it worth it? DEFINITELY. Would I do it again? Absolutely. However, I think I'll place the hotels further apart so the drive is broken up better and make sure that I know how to get on I90 NOT I5 out of Seattle.
Life is interesting, Love is hard, but in the end, all of its worth it. Gris
